I guess I mean do they like frequent contact between people, especially friends? I know I'm asking for an opinion on a huge generalisation as all Japanese arent the same, just like any other nation/culture etc. But anyway me and my Japanese girl have fallen out... Shes been blanking me for 8 days and last week on the bus I got on bumped into her and tried to talk to her, she looked up clearly acknowledging then looked down and ignored me embarresing me in public pretty much which pissed me off a lot..
Anyway last night she makes contact by text but its about work.. Exchange a few I'm pissed off so she finally gets the hint and leaves me a sorry and unhappy face, so I text back and basically say look I wanted to start this argument in person text is stupid and childish, couldnt call her because I was on a really noisey train. Anyway I asked if she would come over mine tonight so we could "talk" as she seems pissed off about something but I dont know what.
I want to do the whole ''this is what your doing and its pissing me off have a listen" then give her the chance to do the same etc. But I'm kinda confused about what to say. Basically I'm annoyed she alternates from being really friendly and wanting to be with me all the time then cold, emotionless, ignoring me and blanking me when I try and talk to her. I want to discuss that but not sure on the best way... I have another friend who lived in Japan for a year and she said she got the impression from everyone that Japanese hate frequent contact and only like to see close friends once a week, even partners etc and that she met loads of close friend pairs and groups that never spend more than 2 consecutive days together. It seems incredibly cold and unsociable to me but then again our cultures are so different and mabye we dont understand each others very well. I dont know whether to ask if she kinda does it because shes used to living that way back home, or she thinks its how things work here, or she thinks its rude and impolite to be around people all the time and ''bother them''.
Had planned to right more but need to shoot... Opinions welcome, please no nasty stabs about being a uncultured pig, being uncultured is why I'm looking for advice lol..
Maybe you think she's your girl but she doesn't know she's "your girl"....is that a possibility here?
Sounds like she either has a very different idea of the nature of your relation, she is trying to tell you to back off a bit, she is a bit flighty and nutso, or she's just a chick being a chick.
If I were you, I would cut my losses and look elsewhere.
I agree with Mike as well. From the sound of this you are working overtime to make a judgement (generalized) about an entire nation based on your experiences with this one girl.
Sounds like you think she is your GF and from her POV you are just a "friend", of which Japanese have legion. They call acquaintances friends quite often.
No stabs on uncultured, but a stab here on this, from this post here and from others you have written recently, I believe you have to experience a bit more of life and experience more about how to deal with the opposite sex. No matter what advice or opinions people write to you here are not going to matter in real life. (Which means, take what you read here, use your own judgement and decide how it affects you and then act on it, BUT keep in mind that the advice is coming from experience)
Oh and for heavens sake don't tell her that "Oh I read on a message board that Japanese are this, or Japanese are that" You do that and you'll be just as bad as "all" Japanese who think of foreigners all coming from the USA.
Another thing, your attitude sounds childish at best.
Last edited by KirinMan; Nov 17, 2011 at 07:06.
High school kids, yes, with their dozens of emails per day.
Adults, not really, IMO. My wife has very close friends that she doesn't contact for many months at a time.
I think you have a more serious issue here than mere "frequent contact".
You start the argument and then have the gall to ask her to come to your home to finish it? Uh, ok.
Aside from the fact that a lot of Japanese have grown up isolating themselves from society, thus losing social skills among themselves, I think you have a different problem here. J women will sometimes latch onto a foreign boyfriend, not for the closeness. Hint, hint.
With work schedules, even once a week is frequent to me.
Well she came over and sorted things out the night was awesome and looks like things are going to stay brilliant. I apologised, she apologised and we agreed to make some compromises on a few things. **** went down really well and as for you guys **** you all for your uncalled for malice and insults. I'm always polite on here providing its returned and when I'm unsure on something I seek advice which is a sign that someone knows they have faults and are trying to improve.
**** you right back.
Next time before you ask for frank opinions and help and receive it from a combined grand total of nearly eight decades of personal experience living with the Japanese, please be sure to tell us that what you really want is a bunch of supportive touchy-feely nonsense designed to make you feel better. You'll get what you're looking for and the grown-ups can better apply their time elsewhere.
So, she came over and got laid, which is probably what she wants out of the relationship anyway. Probably figured she should keep the ties open. Glad it worked out in your favor, too...until next time she ignores you. Don't call us...
By the way, you're welcome. That's for the serious answers I gave to the serious questions you asked. Jerk.
Here is some free advice, take it or leave it, learn to talk like an adult and you'll get adult answers, talk like you do and dont be surprised by the responses.
This doesn't sound like a matter of how frequently Japanese people keep contact with their relationships, it's an interpersonal issue within your own relationship, Coffeesan. If you must request a generalization, I would provide the old one about Japanese people avoiding confrontation. If this girl does decide to end things with you, it's likely you will be the last to hear about it.
Getting defensive when three different people make an observation about the way you're handling a situation just proves their astuteness. I didn't detect a hint of malice in anyone's responses until you outright insulted them. Don't bite the hand you beg from. Good luck with the girl, btw.
Keep on moving: www.griddable.com
Thank you.
This forum is supposed to be a place where people can learn the language and learn about different cultures in a respecful way by asking questions which at times seem silly to some but not too others because of the variety of different people that are on here. The language aspects are always brilliant people like Mike Cash always give top answers and explanations. But when it comes to all things Japanese newbies are unable to ask anything without getting their bollocks ripped off by half the board. I'm not the only one this has happened to there are many threads in which newbies ask genuine questions and look for advice on things because they admit they are clueless. In turn people just insult them and bash them for being uncultured and stupid rather than taking into account they dont understand a lot of what their saying which is the reason to post and learn in the first place. The general feel about this board is everyone is welcome to discuss cultural differences but if they get even the slightest thing confused they are treated like the devil. If people asked things about the UK and seemed to have very weird assumptions and questions I wouldnt rip them a new one on the spot I would be nice to them and explain how things were different in my opinion and try to understand why they thought such things its called being accomodating and respecful, something which the majority of this board is severely lacking in.
You've displayed incredibly thin skin and a penchant for taking ANYTHING as an insult ever since you first showed up here; the problem lies with YOU, not the other members here.
I would like you to point out to me precisely what it was in my reply to your question that rated a big hearty "**** you" in return. You presented a limited set of information about your situation and I asked what would be an obvious question to ANYONE presented with that information.....is it possible that you have different views about the nature of your relation? You had a concern about the uneven nature of your contact with your girlfriend....erratic to the degree that either she doesn't realize she is your girlfriend or that something is amiss....and I posited several possible explanations for the behavior. What was it about that which rated a big hearty "**** you"?
There is something odd about her behavior (as described by YOU....we don't know her)....which suggests that pursuing a more serious relationship with her, particularly given the international/intercultural aspect of it, is NOT in your best interests and that if things seem to have quietly and inexplicably dissolved between you then it may be more wise to let it go than to force the situation. What was it about that observation that rated a big hearty "****you"?
Despite the wonderful reputation that Japanese women enjoy among foreign men as being wonderful wives, girlfriends, or just casual f*** bunnies, any guys who have been around them for as long as either Glenski, KirinMan or myself can tell you there are among them no shortage of women who can make your life absolutely miserable and who make lousy wives, lovers or mothers to your children. And no small portion of them seem to gravitate toward relationships with foreign men.
You've already indicated on this forum that you started learning Japanese because you got a Japanese girl. You also indicated you had lost the girl but were going to continue anyway. Now apparently you have (or think you have) the girl again. And you're bound and determined to resent the sincere and frank observations YOU ASKED FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE when they take notice of the fact that something seems oddly amiss between the two of you. You go ahead and resent it all the hell you want to. Go ahead and get married, make babies, and know the bliss of being stuck with such a bird long-term and trying to make it work when one of you is going to be a fish out of water no matter which country you try to do it in. Some of us have been around long enough to have seen this miserable-assed pathetic scenario played out in front of our eyes countless times and offer a word of advice out of a hope of preventing it happening yet again. A forced relationship with a woman such as you describe is a dodgy enough proposition when she's from your same town. You haven't the slightest notion how difficult it can be to be in an international relationship even when things are going well between the two of you and you certainly have no idea what misery it can turn into when things aren't going well. At any rate you certainly don't display the maturity to be pursuing such a relationship anyway, a fact which is further evidenced by your inability to realize that others may have the personal experience, knowledge, and above all dispassionate third-person PERSPECTIVE to offer wise and useful advice and observations on your situation. As I said earlier, the three of us represent about three-quarters of a century worth of personally experiencing and watching others experience what you're going through. If all you come away with is resentment, hurt feelings, and a need to give us a "****you" because your quirky on-again-off-again gal came around again....for now....then you deserve whatever you get out of it. Some people don't mind being the emotional equivalent of a doormat. Some don't mind repeatedly being yanked around, on the theory that some attention is better than no attention at all, I suppose.
When I read this part here I damn near spit my coffee up on my keyboard. This is so true, and I would venture a guess and say that while we are talking about Japanese females here it could go for women anywhere around the world. As I am quite sure you know plenty of guys get caught up in the aura as well of the image of a Japanese woman.
@coffee,
Japanese females are no different in many respects than women anywhere else around the world. I get the impression that you are hooked on the exotic nature of who she is, probably looks, style, mannerisms, DIFFERENT that what you are used to seeing and being around in your own home country.
Granted there are cultural differences, however keep in mind that she is also in your country for what ever reason, which makes her in many respects a different bird than the "average" Japanese female that never leaves or never has the desire to leave her own country. That goes without saying about anyone, male or female for that matter, in the world. She already has and is showing an interest in things and people foreign, hence her being there. I am sure no one put a gun to her head and forced her to go there.
And please take this comment from Nicegaijin to heart and remember it well, it's great advice and in generalizations here it is spot on!
Do not expect her to discuss her feelings with you so openly. I can relate to you from experience, my own and 3rd party ones as well, that GENERALLY speaking Japanese people, not just females mind you, are not open to talking about feelings so easily. While you may think she is open with you odds are she is holding back. Accept it for what it is, dont pry too hard.
---------- Post added at 07:26 ---------- Previous post was at 06:47 ----------
First, I have read this a number of times to try to digest what you mean, not just here but your OP as well. Free advice again, please learn to use paragraphs when typing something out.
Seeing a wall of text turns people off from reading the entire post. Separate your thoughts and ideas into different paragraphs, it's common forum courtesy. It's also easier to quote as well.
Next, try to lose the chip on your shoulder. This is a web forum, keep that in mind when posting and reading as well. Kind of hard to do at first I know, I've been there. Every comment and every criticism gets taken personally, and you FEEL like people are attacking you personally, like they are threatening your very existence at times. They are not, at least NOT HERE.
Posters/People like Glenski, Mike, myself, and a HOST of others have been posting on boards like these for literally years, and we are accustomed to seeing, sometimes it gets annoying to me at least, to see the same things pop up time and time again. Many times it could be 100% avoided if the poster/newbie, took it upon themselves to research the forum themselves, using the search function, to find out first if topics that they want to discuss, while new to them, have been covered previously or not.
There are literally tons of posts here about much of what you are talking about on this thread. Your choice of the vernacular comes across as sounding like you have a major chip on your shoulder when someone posts something that you do not want to hear, or disagree with. There is nothing you can do about that other than pay close attention to what is being written in reply and grow a thicker skin. You can tell me to **** off all you want on this forum and personally speaking it just comes out as a bunch of ******** and means absolutely nothing in the bigger scheme of life. That's me though and I am 100% sure that "other" posters here have skins thicker than elephant hides and it bothers them just as much, not a bit.
Learn to attack what a poster writes if you dont like it.
Dont attack the person, directly or otherwise, without expecting to get the same in reply.
Couldn't have put it better myself. What exactly did you want us to say? "Oh, don't worry about it. She just had a bad day, and you'll be between the futon sheets soon enough.
I already wrote how it appears (from the limited info you provided) that you acted pretty childishly, and what we think she is feeling. Beyond that, we would need a lot more background, and I don't think you're going to provide it (and it would take too long anyway).
Ask yourself this: what exactly is it that attracts you to her, and where do you think the relationship is going?
Your current reply is also one giant block of text as far as I can see. Its a bug on the forum I always paragraph very conscisely but sometimes it just randomly comes out as a massive block of text. I've noticed it converts into 1 giant block if you press 'edit' and do anything like correct a typo.
As for the rest it took me 15mins to read everything and I dont have time to reply to all of this, not really sure if theres any point anyway but either way no time tonight much work.
Double space between paragraphs
There is (or has been) a bug when editing posts which strips out double spacing. You have to go back and manually re-enter the carriage returns.
That bug has annoyed me a few times now, but I thought I had heard it was fixed with the forum upgrade. Perhaps not.
Coffeesan,
I know that some in this thread can come off as a little bit "in your face", but they mean well and were trying to be helpful. As you noted in your original post your asking for a generalization, but that won't do you much good. You need to look at your situation as it is completely unique from any other. Some things/actions/habits are based on culture and some are just the way that person is. You need to look at what level of communication she likes. Try to take a step back and re-read what the others wrote above. They were giving advice based on years of experience with Japanese women, women in general, and relationships. You need to look at it and decide what applies to your situation and what works in your situation. Their advice is based on situations they have been in or heard about so some of it will be relevant and some won't be.
As Glenski stated above we don't have all the details and I am sure you wouldn't want to give them all either, so we can only give advice based on what you wrote. What you wrote seemed to describe a bad situation but we can only make guesses about the cause. Maybe she had a bad day, maybe you said something to her that pissed her off even if you don't have a clue what that was (I think most of us have experienced this one), maybe she is having second thoughts about the relationship? The list could go on forever and it would all just be wild guesses as we are not there and even if we were there would be no way for us to know all of the details or what is going on in each of your minds.
This forum is a lot better then some others for giving good advice and not just pouncing on a new member's every mistake and the people here generally want to help. Its a community after all and helping others in the community is something most of the members here enjoy doing. Reactions like yours tend to turn people off to helping as they spent their time trying to help and you essentially slapped them in the face for it.
What is going on with the relationship between you and your girlfriend is your business and your responsibility to deal with as you choose to do. You can certainly ask for advice but please try to take a step back when reading the responses and just think to yourself "Does this apply to my situation?" and if it doesn't just move on to the next reply.
I wish you all the best in your relationship with your girlfriend. Remember, relationships take work and understanding on both sides.
Take care!
--------------
- Petaris
"The World is Open. Are You?"
I want to learn more about the culture, theres only so much you can learn by reading and a certain amount of asking questions always has to be done. This however isnt the place to do it, no matter how respectfully and genuinely I ask something I always get my bollocks ripped off. In effect its bullying LOL, and I'm a grown man so will naturally defend myself when others decided to gang attack me for no good reason. The forum is a brilliant tool for learning the language and I'll stay to read and ask questions for myself and help answer questions for people less capable than me. But as for the cultural studying its not possible to have civilized conversations on such things here so will have to try my luck elsewhere.That bug has annoyed me a few times now, but I thought I had heard it was fixed with the forum upgrade. Perhaps not.
Coffeesan,
I know that some in this thread can come off as a little bit "in your face", but they mean well and were trying to be helpful. As you noted in your original post your asking for a generalization, but that won't do you much good. You need to look at your situation as it is completely unique from any other. Some things/actions/habits are based on culture and some are just the way that person is. You need to look at what level of communication she likes. Try to take a step back and re-read what the others wrote above. They were giving advice based on years of experience with Japanese women, women in general, and relationships. You need to look at it and decide what applies to your situation and what works in your situation. Their advice is based on situations they have been in or heard about so some of it will be relevant and some won't be.
As Glenski stated above we don't have all the details and I am sure you wouldn't want to give them all either, so we can only give advice based on what you wrote. What you wrote seemed to describe a bad situation but we can only make guesses about the cause. Maybe she had a bad day, maybe you said something to her that pissed her off even if you don't have a clue what that was (I think most of us have experienced this one), maybe she is having second thoughts about the relationship? The list could go on forever and it would all just be wild guesses as we are not there and even if we were there would be no way for us to know all of the details or what is going on in each of your minds.
This forum is a lot better then some others for giving good advice and not just pouncing on a new member's every mistake and the people here generally want to help. Its a community after all and helping others in the community is something most of the members here enjoy doing. Reactions like yours tend to turn people off to helping as they spent their time trying to help and you essentially slapped them in the face for it.
What is going on with the relationship between you and your girlfriend is your business and your responsibility to deal with as you choose to do. You can certainly ask for advice but please try to take a step back when reading the responses and just think to yourself "Does this apply to my situation?" and if it doesn't just move on to the next reply.
I wish you all the best in your relationship with your girlfriend. Remember, relationships take work and understanding on both sides.
Take care!
I'd like my questions answered. What did I say to you to deserve a "**** you"?
Of course, you never answered the same sort of question when you pulled this "poor me, everybody gangs up and rips my balls off" nonsense regarding language questions.
Is this just some sort of defense mechanism you learned as a child and continue using into adulthood? Stamping your feet and wailing about how people unfairly victimize you any time someone says something you'd rather not hear? It is very childish and off-putting. Do you notice other people having the same reactions here? Odd how YOU are the only one to cry about having an impromptu orcheotomy over any reply that isn't exactly what you want to hear.
Look back at how incredibly resentful you were of something as bland and inoffensive as the help you got early on in your threads for language help and how undeservedly abusive you were to me. You had to ignore what was told you until you finally smacked head first into a wall and could finally recognize the value of what you had been told and that it wasn't an insult or put-down. So go ahead and do the same thing here, as you're obviously one of those people who just can't be helped and who insists on learning life's lessons the hard way. I've made an extra special effort of it ever since you first arrived among us, but you very often prove yourself a difficult person to be nice to.
Nobody "gang attacked" you. You are incredible! After all this text, you still don't get it.
Be prepared for similar responses. I put the odds at 10 to 1.
Are you familiar with the very non-pc phrase "Arguing on the internet is like running at the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded."
If you want to ask questions about the culture, feel free, there is no one stopping you. Everyone has a right to post here as long as it stays within forum guidelines. However keep this in mind, if you come across with a chip on your shoulder, intended or otherwise, don't expect people here to continually treat you with kid gloves.
You get what you give!
FWIW, I'm pretty sure this is one of the most civilized Japan-related forums out there (I've seen a few and faded from those scenes as a result of the toxic atmosphere). I'd recommend an adjustment in the way you're perceiving things, especially if you think this is actually true.
It may well be the most civilized but being the most above all others isnt a pre-requiste for being civilized itself. People are rude and disrespectful and act like youve raped their mother if you return a few nasty and disrespectful statements. You're obviously another sheep thats fine, some people have the balls to not follow the crowd when they can clearly see someone is wrong but others cant. Your choice and your life.
He is actually trying to be nice (see also post#9), but all you do is tell him that he is another sheep???
Thread closed because I don't see any point in keeping this thread here, this is not really an all Japanese thing thread anymore. . Will maybe make another thread in the discusion section regarding being nice/rude, helpful in forums (if someone else wants to do that, it would be great as well).
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