love and marriage in Japan...

[Kei_Shugojin]

Are there alot of Japanese marriages based on love, or is it still based mainly on having kids, or is it a mixture of both? I heard that there was this large gap as far as the attitudes of the younger generation and the older one, where the younger was a bit of a USA/Classic Japanese hybrid, and the older was more classic japanese.

just curious, because I plan on going to Japan to look for the "right one", and I need to know if that will be possible.

[Fantt]

I would guess that possibility would stretch into even the most strict, conservative environment you can imagine. Maybe you mean, Will it be easy? I would say, even in the most liberal, free-for-all society it could be hard. No point in trying to judge.

Short answer, not knowing a lot about Japan, I'd say of course it's possible to find the "right one" in Japan, but then I'd say that about anywhere... Japan may be easier or more difficult to find compatibility than other places though. I can't speak to that.

[Mike Cash]

I plan on going to Japan to look for the "right one", and I need to know if that will be possible.

Are you ready for all the baggage that comes with it?

[Brooker]

Save yourself the grief of a long-distance relationship and find yourself a nice girl at home. Not that it can't work, but I wouldn't go looking for it. There are a lot of complications in any long distance relationship. For example, where are you going to live? And having her move with you to your home is a big step. I don't think her "Japaneseness" is as big an issue as the distance involved. Do what you like, but be warned, it will be difficult. If you've got a thing for J-gals, I'm sure you can find some where you live, but you'll still run into the same distance problems. I dunno, talk to some of the people around here who have j-husbands/wives. You're talking to a guy who tried to make things happen with a j-gal and it didn't work. I wouldn't recommend following the same path. But in my case, it just kind of happened - you're thinking about actively looking for it. I wouldn't intentionally throw myself into a situation that had a limited chance for success. Eh, live and learn.

[kirei_na_me]

Brooker and mikecash are exactly right.

People always have this 'novel' idea to go to Japan to find their significant other. What you don't seriously think about is the the distance, someone's going to have to leave their home, cultural differences(which do exist) etc.

Intercultural relationships are not easy. I don't care what anybody says. They're all the work of a 'regular' relationship and more. It's not just 'cute' or 'unique' or whatever other romantic term I could use. I'm not saying they all can't work, because of a lot of them flourish, but it just takes a hell of a lot of patience from both parties.

If I had to do it all over again...

[Mike Cash]

And if you're talking US and Japan, no matter where you live one of you is going to be thousands of miles from home. Sounds neat-n-cool at first, but it quickly changes from a novelty to an issue. How the two of you (and your relatives, they figure in this too, whether you think they do or don't, should or shouldn't) handle it is a make-or-break issue.

One of you is doomed to starting off as a fish out of water, then perhaps transitioning to being a goldfish in a bowl. One set of grandparents (at least) is going to get screwed over. Language issues can be bigger than you think, and that's not limited to just inside the home. One of you is going to be in a place where you will likely feel (sometimes accurately) that your career choices are extremely limited. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I'd help anybody out of a rattlesnake pit, but I wouldn't advise him to jump in it in the first place. At least not without knowing what's in there.

[Kei_Shugojin]

well, I'm not planning to stay in the US. Japan is where I want to go, and it's where I want to stay. I was just asking. I'm going to move to Japan and live there wether I find the "right one" or not.

[Mike Cash]

You've lived in Japan before and know that your next trip here will be a permanent one?

To bring the thread back around to your original question.....yes, it's possible. It has already been done thousands and thousands of times.

[DoctorP]

And if you're talking US and Japan, no matter where you live one of you is going to be thousands of miles from home. Sounds neat-n-cool at first, but it quickly changes from a novelty to an issue. How the two of you (and your relatives, they figure in this too, whether you think they do or don't, should or shouldn't) handle it is a make-or-break issue.

One of you is doomed to starting off as a fish out of water, then perhaps transitioning to being a goldfish in a bowl. One set of grandparents (at least) is going to get screwed over. Language issues can be bigger than you think, and that's not limited to just inside the home. One of you is going to be in a place where you will likely feel (sometimes accurately) that your career choices are extremely limited. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I'd help anybody out of a rattlesnake pit, but I wouldn't advise him to jump in it in the first place. At least not without knowing what's in there.
Excellent answers Mike...There is nothing more to add!

well, I'm not planning to stay in the US. Japan is where I want to go, and it's where I want to stay. I was just asking. I'm going to move to Japan and live there wether I find the "right one" or not.

so? you plan to drop everything and move to Japan? What if it doesn't work out? Do you have a contingency plan? Do you have an emergency reserve of money to bail yourself out and buy a ticket home if your dreams don't work out? Just something to think about!

[Kei_Shugojin]

Yeah. It's called "reserve money". I'm not using my trust fund to do this or anything. I'm doing this on my own dollar. I know it may take a while, but I'm going to do it.

Plus, it's not "dropping everything" if there's nothing you feel like holding onto.

[DrFuzz]

Hi Mate,

I ended up marrying my Japanese lass but alot of the things that people are posting here is true (long distance, language barrier, cultural barrier etc). She moved to Sydney from Osaka to be with me and I'd really say it isn't all fun and games. One of the hardest aspects is that when she is out of her country the onus will be on you to handle things such as money, a place to live etc.

If you have the finances to accept those responsibilities then bring her along, otherwise.........

[DoctorP]

Plus, it's not "dropping everything" if there's nothing you feel like holding onto.

That is true, but please remember what many have already stated in this thread for you. If you plan to take her back home with you, it may be very difficult for her to adjust. Many Japanese like visiting other countries for short periods of time, but living there is another thing entirely. I am happy living here. It did not bother me at all to give up what I had in the States to live here with my family. Many people can not do that though. It is harder than you may think. The internet has made living overseas easier for many people. At least now it is cheaper to stay in touch with friends/family around the world, and you can shop for anything that you need over the internet. So it may not be so difficult for you to adjust as it was for many of my friends a few years ago.

Bottom line is if you have made up your mind, go for it. I don't think that strangers that you meet online are going to change your mind! :D

[Brooker]

As much as I like Japan, if I were to meet the (Japanese) girl of my dreams, and she wanted me to move to Japan with her, I don' think I could do it. I like Japan very much, but I don't think I could live there for the rest of my life. I'd have to ask her to move to my country. I'd have to ask her to do something, I myself was unwilling to do. That fact alone could cause problems.

But this is only what the situation would be like for me.

[Ewok85]

Plus, it's not "dropping everything" if there's nothing you feel like holding onto.

You're holding onto alot more than you take for granted.

[Mike Cash]

Amen, Ewok. When one drops things in a situation like this, it usually turns out that you find out later you dropped a hell of a lot more than you thought you were at the time.

[cicatriz esp]

just curious, because I plan on going to Japan to look for the "right one", and I need to know if that will be possible.

What are the attributes you are looking for in the "right one"?

[Mike Cash]

In no particular order:

Cooking
Cleaning
Laundry
Gofer
Waitress
Designated driver
Massages
Brood sow
Plowing
Chopping wood
Carpentry
Auto Repair

Just the ordinary dainty, feminine stuff.

[Kei_Shugojin]

..... well, like I've already said before, I actually plan on moving to Japan. Finding the right girl as a secondary priority.

I've already said this, but several people have pointed out in their posts something about the trouble of having to move to Japan entirely if they wanted to marrry their Japanese girlfriend. I would have no trouble with this.

now... Ewok85 and mikecash... where do you get off telling me what I can and cannot drop in life? eh? I don't have alot here I feel like holding onto, and there's really nothing that could keep me from moving.

now, cicatriz, to answer your question, I'm looking for a "Furyou" girl. lol

[Mike Cash]

I don't recall having told you what you can and cannot drop in life. Did I say that somewhere?

All I've done is to try to be helpful and try to point out a few areas you may want to give some consideration. If you feel any of it was meant to be ordering you how to live your life then you either need thicker skin or a refresher course on critical reading skills. When you ask questions, don't be surprised if you sometimes get answers that don't fit what you expected or wanted.

I don't care if you come to Japan. I don't care if you don't.
I don't care if you marry a Japanese girl. I don't care if you don't.

You know, people with attitudes like yours are the primary reason I long long ago quit trying to actually help other foreigners in Japan with anything.

[Elizabeth]

now... Ewok85 and mikecash... where do you get off telling me what I can and cannot drop in life? eh? I don't have alot here I feel like holding onto, and there's really nothing that could keep me from moving.

I don't much care either on the question of moving....but unless your Japanese is at a near native level I can say you won't find much to occupy yourself with. Pre-college Japanese courses are possible as a student without connections and rudimentary language skills -- at a cost of $15-20,000 a year. Of course if you're lucky enough to meet the right one in an airport or on the flight over, that's a different story entirely.... :p

[noodle]

Are there alot of Japanese marriages based on love, or is it still based mainly on having kids, or is it a mixture of both? I heard that there was this large gap as far as the attitudes of the younger generation and the older one, where the younger was a bit of a USA/Classic Japanese hybrid, and the older was more classic japanese.


from my understanding, there are plenty of love marriages. but there has also been a trend of non-marriage, due to economic and social reasons. suffice to say, before you worry about any of that, it will probably help you a lot to plan a way to get a well-paying job over there. :P love or not, japan or not, you're not very marriageable unless you can pay the bills, and it's a tough economy.

[Kei_Shugojin]

well, Mikecash, I apologize if I offended you. But, your response reminded me of some very annoying lectures I'd already recieved. Believe me, I know the risks and all that sort of thing. But, part of the reason I was angry is that I didn't ask how hard it would be to move to Japan. Read my first post and look at it again.

Again, I'm sorry if I offended you. I have no intention of making you an enemy or anything. lol. What's funny about this is that Critical reading is, coincidentally, my weakest subject.

[Akakubisan]

I'm wondering why you are so set on going to Japan to live?

Have you ever lived in Japan? And by live I mean more than a few months.
I must say that livinig in another culture is not an easy thing to do. I found that there are many thing in Japan that drive me crazy if I let them.

Just making sure you have thought this through. You did not state whether you have lived in Japan, what level you Japanese ability is, whether you have ever dated someone from a different culture, or what you plan on doing in Japan (work wise).

Without these things it is hard for anyone to know how prepared you would be to go and live there, much less meet/date a Japanese girl.

I don't think anyone is trying to give you a hard time. They just don't know enough about you so thus are probably worried about you.

[Kei_Shugojin]

again. not what I asked. I don't mean to be a bit cold, but all I really want is for you to answer my question. I will handle the rest on my own.

Besides, I love a good challenge.

[Akakubisan]

Well let's try to answer your questions. This of course is from my perspective and experience.

There marriages are based on a combination of things just like everywhere else. I expect most all marry somewhat for live these days, but they also are concerned with stability, family, and financial concerns. But these same concerns are also found in America in most marriages.

About younger vs older generations. This also is like everywhere else. Older generations are more conservative that younger generations. I really don't consider the younger generations to be a cross of US and classic Japanese. They do take some of our things and like some of our things but they don't act like us.
I have found that as a Japanese person gets older (just like American people) they tend to become more conservative. This of course is an average, not everyone becomes more conservative, either in Japan or in America.

Where people got off on your question is where you state you are looking for a Japanese girl and wonder if it is possible to find the right one. (and of coure you mentioned marriage in you post, not you getting married, but still the word showed up)
Thus people started worrying about what you were thinking and trying to give you advice.

You probably should have expected this. And the fact that you don't seem to care to hear it makes me wonder why you posted in the first place.

I think everyone was trying to help you out. Some of the posts above took some people a little time to write and they made very good points. Take what you need, leave the rest. But don't act angry for not getting only what you want.

Also, If you want the challenge by all means go.

[Kei_Shugojin]

lol. I'm sorry about that. I really didn't mean to get so defensive. I guess I should have worded my first post differently.

But what I'm mainly asking about is the differences of marriage in Japan versus the US. My interest was sparked by an article I read stating that the standard Japanese marriage was arranged, and mainly to produce children. I was just asking if that was really true, or if it was just true in certain areas.

[kirei_na_me]

Have you read Maciamo's article on the subject?

http://www.jref.com/culture/westerners_japanese_marriage.shtml

[Kei_Shugojin]

yeah. That's what inspired the question in my mind.

[Akakubisan]

I think that used to be true. I'm not saying it doesn't still happen, it just isn't that common anymore.

Most men and women are marrying later now days. I think that is because more women are working and do not want to start being a housewife that is expected to take care of the man. At least that is what I have read and that my girlfriend tells me.

If you go, have a good time.

[Kei_Shugojin]

I'm sure that I will.

anyway, to those guys who offered advice and such, I truly appreceate your concern, and I'm sorry I became so defensive. I was outcasted quite a bit when I was younger, and defensiveness has become a bit of a reflex. again, I apologize.

[misa.j]

Kei_Shugojin,
In the past, a lot of marriages in Japan were arranged as you have mentioned, for financial reasons or family status regardless the lack of love in the marrige, which I think happened in many other countries other than Japan. It is not a common idea in Japan now.
I believe that people get married because they are commited to each other, whether they decide to have children or not (I know some of my Japanese friends are childless).

BTW, I am a Japanese married to an American. From reading the posts of many members, I guess I am very lucky... Although it required flawless planning and the emotional impact on the families (especially mine), everything have worked out for us.

I suggest you to go to Japan if you haven't been there yet, though.
I hope I helped you w/ your questions. Good luck.

[Kei_Shugojin]

thank you, misa. j. Yes, I have been to Japan before, but it was only for a short while when I was young. I've been in love with the place ever since. My Japanese isn't very advanced, but I'm only seventeen and not planning to put this plan into motion for another 3 or 4 years. Not to mention, I'll have my "brother" (not really a brother, but he's my best friend) with me, doing the same thing. So I believe that I'll be fine.

[Apollo]

From reading the posts of many members, I guess I am very lucky... Although it required flawless planning and the emotional impact on the families (especially mine), everything have worked out for us.



I am happy for you misa!
It also worked out well with my parents!!! :-)
I am a "product" of a intercultural marriage; Danish and Japanese....
Thus, a very happy intercultural marriage does exist!!!
Keep believing, and of course it depends on the persons involved, I guess both parts have to be open-minded and some sacrifices have to be made.
My dad never intended to find a wife (read: it was not his aim in Japan) when he went to Japan because of his job for business...he just happened to meet "the one" - my mum! :blush:

[misa.j]

I am happy for you misa!
It also worked out well with my parents!!! :-)
I am a "product" of a intercultural marriage; Danish and Japanese....
Thus, a very happy intercultural marriage does exist!!!
Keep believing, and of course it depends on the persons involved, I guess both parts have to be open-minded and some sacrifices have to be made.


Thank you, miss apollo!

I couldn't say any better than you have said.
Yes, being open-minded is the key!

[Elizabeth]

Kei_Shugojin,
In the past, a lot of marriages in Japan were arranged as you have mentioned, for financial reasons or family status regardless the lack of love in the marrige, which I think happened in many other countries other than Japan. It is not a common idea in Japan now.
Specifically under 10% are arranged by a recognized mediator, although "informally arranged" especially between prominant families I think is still a somewhat more common practice.

[cicatriz esp]

I'm only seventeen
Tells me a bit more about the situation. But seriously, what are you looking for in a spouse? I could maybe tell you where not to look.

[Kei_Shugojin]

have you ever heard of "Furyou" girls?

[Elizabeth]

have you ever heard of "Furyou" girls?
Is that a girl that has actually been arrested or just one that has commited a crime ? :haihai:

[Kei_Shugojin]

lol. I thought it meant a girl who was more of a tomboy.

[Elizabeth]

No, they are closer to juvenile delinquents. And by the way 'unvirtuous' girls are referred to under a synonymous word for 'defective' if you ever decide you'd be more interested in one of them....:giggle:

[Kei_Shugojin]

hmmm.. cuz I asked a penpal friend of mine if there was a sizeable "tomboy" population in Japan. She said that there was a decent number of them, and that they were called "Furyou" girls.

[Elizabeth]

There may not be exact cultural equivalents to either, but see if asking her with these kanji doesn't clear things up. Juvenile delinquent in Japanese actually has the word "boy" in the word so maybe that was somehow getting confused with "tomboy" in her mind. :?

Tomboy in Japanese is おてんば娘

Juvenile offender is 非行少年

[Kei_Shugojin]

sorry, could you write it in romanji? My computer's screwed up so that I can't get the Japanese dialogue decoder unless I have the disk, which I lost. lol

[Elizabeth]

Sure.

Tomboy in Japanese : otenba

Juvenile offender : Hikoushounen - (boys)
Furyou shounen (boys)
Furyou shoujo - (girls)

[Kei_Shugojin]

thank you.

[grounded in japan]

hi, i've been with my japanese wife now for 8 years and we lived together for 5 years outside japan as boy/girlfriend. we met by chance in new zealand and we always speak english together. i have never been interested in japan and ended up living here and getting married by chance mainly. i'd spent a couple of years travelling in asia (india, thailan and nepal mainly) but feel japan is probably more convenient, although i would rather live in thailand if i had to live in asia.

there are heaps of beautiful and largely gentle women in japan, their usually quieter than western women, but i'm sure you can find the sort of girl your looking for if you're lucky. the most important thing for you would probably be to speak reasonable japanese, unless you're able to meet english speaking chicks. as you might be teaching english or something, that might help.

as for marriages, most of the people i know here married for the same reasons people in the USA, etc get married.

good luck !!

[byp]

just curious, because I plan on going to Japan to look for the "right one", and I need to know if that will be possible.
you sound like you're going shopping !
disgusting.
forget about it !
or maybe you are talking about a pair of shoes ? mmm?

[nekosasori]

I think if you're seventeen, there'll be a lot of curve-balls (metaphorically) that life will throw at you, even if you think you've a well-thought-out plan for your future. I'm not sure when exactly you're planning to move to Japan, but I would certainly echo others' suggestions of becoming as fluent as you can in Japanese even before you get there - and to truly understand the language is akin to understanding the culture. Completing a university degree (or two, or more...) wouldn't hurt either. It's difficult enough to find a job these days in many industry sectors, and without credentials it'll be next to impossible to have a stable and lucrative career in Japan, methinks. Even if your trust fund means you don't *have* to work, ever, few people like socialites who don't have a work ethic, or at least some academic expertise.

Since you're still young, I think now is the ideal time to work on both expanding your horizons and developing your abilities, and try travelling all over the world, while working on your self-awareness. It's good to have goals to work toward (at any age), and the more well-rounded and talented, interesting person you become with an open mind, the more attractive you will be to great women, of any nationality or cultural background.

One more thing: otenba girls may appeal to you now, but what would make you attractive to them, besides not being Japanese (and thus potentially "inappropriate" for them according to their parents)? And if you're looking to marry someday, what makes you think they will make great long-term partners? I'm not saying tomboys make for bad spouses (heck, I was one...) - but that if you're looking seriously for a lasting partnership, you'll benefit from keeping an open mind about getting to know people who may not seem to be of your preference, since you never know where or when you'll find someone who becomes really special.

Good luck.

[Ewok85]

you sound like you're going shopping !
disgusting.
forget about it !
or maybe you are talking about a pair of shoes ? mmm?

Don't forget to get the "left one" too! *babum kshh!*

[toade]

you sound like you're going shopping !
disgusting.
forget about it !
or maybe you are talking about a pair of shoes ? mmm?

My thoughts exactly, LOL.

[Kamisama]

Is perhaps the main reason Japanese women would marry someone else, because, other men would show more love? Or have japanese women been brainwashed since the day they were born to not feel love? I find it hard to believe that many japanese men don't love their wife.

[kirei_na_me]

Well, I believe showing love is different for them. For Japanese men, showing love means providing for your family and having your family trust you. Many of them feel that showing a lot of affection and feeding their gf/wife lines(I love you's) is very fake and superficial. That's one thing that many Western people do not understand. They automatically assume that Japanese men don't love their women(and vice versa, by the way), because they're not overly affectionate. They just have a different idea of what love is and how it's shown.

I don't want all or nothing, but I do want a happy medium. :okashii:

[Kamisama]

How is life with your husband? I don't mean to be rude or all but you are married to a Japanese male correct? I wonder how that works out for you and what the relationship is like.

[Elizabeth]

Well, I believe showing love is different for them. For Japanese men, showing love means providing for your family and having your family trust you. Many of them feel that showing a lot of affection and feeding their gf/wife lines(I love you's) is very fake and superficial.
In my limited experience as well they may still have a very strong need for affection, companionship and someone to talk with -- just not the fake and superficial variety or the annoyance level that comes with some Japanese women. :p

[Kei_Shugojin]

key law of humanity- do NOT Generalize.

and, by the way, just to clarify from another earlier comment- I'm not "shopping", as you called it. I just haven't had alot of luck over here, and a gut feeling of mine tells me I might have better luck in Japan. It may be right, it may be wrong, but I honestly don't care. It's all a matter of luck (and a bit of a joke between me and some of my friends about my bad luck in romance).

[Subaru]

Hi Kei_Shugojin
If you want to go to Japan
That much I support you
Because I love Japan and
The people there
I love Japanese boys I think they are handsome :blush:
And about your luck in romance don稚 say
That you don稚 have a good luck
Life don稚 stop in one girl or more
I hop you will have fun there and everything will go as you wanted
And if you have a hard time there you can go back right
good luck :cute:

[cyber ape]

"so? you plan to drop everything and move to Japan? What if it doesn't work out? Do you have a contingency plan? Do you have an emergency reserve of money to bail yourself out and buy a ticket home if your dreams don't work out? Just something to think about!"

I guess I'm missing something. Why are you acting like he has to live in his home country to live? I know Japan's more expensive, but I seriously doubt he'd have a different situation if in America he got laid off, had no GF, etc etc. He'd still be job-searching, well, you get the point. Besides, that's a pretty solid statement he's talking about. I'm pretty sure even if he doesn't meet "the right one", he'd still stay in Japan, right Kei?

[TwistedMac]

In your own country you've usually got a network of friends and family to fall back on, not to mention that you're *one of the homies*. no xenophobia holding you back from jobs, so getting a job might be easier "at home".

just plunging in to a new country is not something to be taken lightly. atleast not without any way of getting back home.

[Kei_Shugojin]

@Cyber-ape- Yer damn right I would.

@TwistedMac- I'm not just jumping on a plane and going through this half-heartedly. I'm not going to go over there until I have at least a bachelor's degree in mechanical/biomechanical engineering and have passed the JLPT level 1. At that point, I plan to join the JLT, go over to Japan teaching english for a year, and use that time to line up a place to live, college application, maybe a part time job, etc.

Besides, part of my reason for moving is to get AWAY from my family. lol

[ragedaddy]

Hey Kei_Shugojin,

I have been listening to your situation, and I have some input for you. Of course there are Japanese women who marry for love, but there are others that marry for that "Green." It is no different from the girls in the U.S., some marry for love, while others marry for that "Lavish Life." It is all in the person that you find, and that is the situation wherever you tend to roam. I know that you are sick of people questioning your judgement, but seriously at 17 thinking about marriage may possibly be a little premature. I know, I know, this is not what you want to hear.....also gut feelings tend to be not the most accurate when it comes to judgement, it pays to research to make sure this is what you want.

I would say go study abroad for a year or so, and if you really are serious about wanting to live Japan, I would suggest applying to Sophia University and enter as a freshman. The only constraint there would be having the funds for college. If you had the financial backing, then I think it would be really easy to get into there. I entered in there as a transfer student, but I didn't know their requirements for a transfer student were that strict, and so I decided to finish up School back up in the States. However, entering as a freshman would not be that hard, and I would have to say that their Japanese language program is excellent, compared to the crap language school that I went to for a year (Here's the link to Sophia University's homepage http://www.sophia.ac.jp/E/E_admissions.nsf/Content/adm). However, I would not recommend dropping everything to coming over to Japan without even attempting to live there for a while. I don't care if you are superman, sometimes things don't fit with your standards.

As other members on this forum have already said, International relationships are very challenging. I would whole heartedly have to agree with this, because I am in that situation as well. I went to Japan with the intent to learn as much as I could about the language, culture, and people, so I ended up in tokyo for two years. I was not looking for a wife to say the least, but if I met an exquisite girl, that would not stop me from dating her. Well, I happened to get swept off my feet by this girl, and as we dated for a little over a year, I knew she was a quality girl, and I didn't want to lose her. At that time I was enrolled at Sophia University, and things were not working out there, so I had a tremendous epidemic on my hands. I wanted my relationship with this girl to continue, but also at the same time I was very concerned about getting the best possible education that I could. I decided that I need to come back to the US and finish up my degree (Education was my #1 priority at that time), and so I ended up proposing to the girl I was dating, because she fit a lot of the qualities that Mike Cash posted earilier (*wink*). I guess I'm a lucky man, because she gave up her life in Japan in order to come live with me here in the US. So, we ended up getting married in Seoul, Korea earlier this year. Oh yeah, well my wife is technically Korean, but she born in Japan, and has lived there most of her life. Therefore, she is fluent in Japanese as well as Korean, so that's why we got married in Korea.

Anyways, I'm straying from the point, so yeah to get back to the fact that international relationships require a lot of work. Her English skills are not the greatest yet, so that makes it a little harder for her to live here in the US, but I will tell you her English is getting better (Which reinforces the best way to learn a foreign language is through immersion). You have to realize too, that her parents and my parents will never be able to communicate with out a mediator (which I guess would be me), so that makes things a little more difficult. The lucky thing for me is that her parents also speak Japanese, so we are able to communicate (Thank God!). Another life changing event that occured not too long ago was that we had a daughter, and so I am the happiest person in the world. The complication here is we need to decide where we are going to live permanently, whether that be the US, or Japan. I guess we have before our daughter enters into school to decide where we will live.

Deciding where to live will be the most difficult decision that we have to decide. I could totally see myself living in Japan, but at the same time, I love where I'm at here in the US. If I could have it my way, I would like to live in Japan for 3 or 4 months out of the year, and then come back here and live. The point is the situation that I'm in requires a lot of patience, work, and struggle. Who knows you could end up in a similar situation, so I'm warning you this is not a simplistic aspect.

Sorry, I kinda went off on a tangent, but I just wanted to give you a real life example. The point I am trying to make is that in order to make an international relationship to work, you need dedication, patience, and be willing to sacrifice.

This is just some advice I'm giving to you, so I guess you can take it with a grain of salt. However, marriage and having a kid will alter your life forever, so if this happens to you I hope you are up for the challange. Also, if this is your dream to do this, then I say go for it. There are too many people who end up regret not chasing their dreams, but be very cautious of what you are getting yourself into. I hope this helps you out......

[Kei_Shugojin]

Thank you for your post. I actually feel better somehow after having read it. :cool: :-)

"I have been listening to your situation, and I have some input for you. Of course there are Japanese women who marry for love, but there are others that marry for that "Green." It is no different from the girls in the U.S., some marry for love, while others marry for that "Lavish Life." It is all in the person that you find, and that is the situation wherever you tend to roam. I know that you are sick of people questioning your judgement, but seriously at 17 thinking about marriage may possibly be a little premature. I know, I know, this is not what you want to hear.....also gut feelings tend to be not the most accurate when it comes to judgement, it pays to research to make sure this is what you want."

Well, I've been known to be a bit unusual. It's just that marriage is an important thing to me. I know I might sound like a little girl saying this, but I really want to get married someday. There's always this one side nagging at me saying I'll never find the right one, and to tell you the truth, it scares me to death. I am doing research, though. That's half the reason I made this topic. And my gut feeling isn't telling me any particular course of action. It's just telling me to go to Japan. I seriously think that's where I'm meant to be.

"I would say go study abroad for a year or so, and if you really are serious about wanting to live Japan, I would suggest applying to Sophia University and enter as a freshman. The only constraint there would be having the funds for college. If you had the financial backing, then I think it would be really easy to get into there. I entered in there as a transfer student, but I didn't know their requirements for a transfer student were that strict, and so I decided to finish up School back up in the States. However, entering as a freshman would not be that hard, and I would have to say that their Japanese language program is excellent, compared to the crap language school that I went to for a year (Here's the link to Sophia University's homepage http://www.sophia.ac.jp/E/E_admissions.nsf/Content/adm). However, I would not recommend dropping everything to coming over to Japan without even attempting to live there for a while. I don't care if you are superman, sometimes things don't fit with your standards."

Well, I had a plan to get started on my college path at a community college (where I'm currently taking courses), go to another small university in my city to get a bachelor's degree and take Japanese courses. Once I have my bachelor's degree and I've passed the JLPT level 1, I intend to join the JET for a while in order to solidify my Japanese through immersion in the culture (whenever I go out or anything like that). At that point, I'll use that opportunity to look around at colleges and locations etc. I'm not just "dropping everything". I'm trying to plan this out as carefully as I can. I'm not going to go over there unless I'm prepared. Thank you for your concern, though. I truly appreceate it.

"As other members on this forum have already said, International relationships are very challenging. I would whole heartedly have to agree with this, because I am in that situation as well. I went to Japan with the intent to learn as much as I could about the language, culture, and people, so I ended up in tokyo for two years. I was not looking for a wife to say the least, but if I met an exquisite girl, that would not stop me from dating her. Well, I happened to get swept off my feet by this girl, and as we dated for a little over a year, I knew she was a quality girl, and I didn't want to lose her. At that time I was enrolled at Sophia University, and things were not working out there, so I had a tremendous epidemic on my hands. I wanted my relationship with this girl to continue, but also at the same time I was very concerned about getting the best possible education that I could. I decided that I need to come back to the US and finish up my degree (Education was my #1 priority at that time), and so I ended up proposing to the girl I was dating, because she fit a lot of the qualities that Mike Cash posted earilier (*wink*). I guess I'm a lucky man, because she gave up her life in Japan in order to come live with me here in the US. So, we ended up getting married in Seoul, Korea earlier this year. Oh yeah, well my wife is technically Korean, but she born in Japan, and has lived there most of her life. Therefore, she is fluent in Japanese as well as Korean, so that's why we got married in Korea."

Congratulations on your luck in romance. :cool: Well, I know international relationships will be hard. Love is hardly easy. But, again, I am sort of following my instincts on this one. I don't think I'll find the right girl in America. I know, I know... gut feelings aren't exactly the most accurate things in the world, but I have to follow this one at least. It's that strong. But, hey, even if I go to Japan and end up dying alone, then I'd still be happy that I at least lived out my life in Japan. Romance is more of a secondary priority on my list.

"Anyways, I'm straying from the point, so yeah to get back to the fact that international relationships require a lot of work. Her English skills are not the greatest yet, so that makes it a little harder for her to live here in the US, but I will tell you her English is getting better (Which reinforces the best way to learn a foreign language is through immersion). You have to realize too, that her parents and my parents will never be able to communicate with out a mediator (which I guess would be me), so that makes things a little more difficult. The lucky thing for me is that her parents also speak Japanese, so we are able to communicate (Thank God!). Another life changing event that occured not too long ago was that we had a daughter, and so I am the happiest person in the world. The complication here is we need to decide where we are going to live permanently, whether that be the US, or Japan. I guess we have before our daughter enters into school to decide where we will live."

Again, congratulations. I know that there will be a language barrier if I enter into a relationship with a Japanese girl. I commend you for overcoming this barrier. But, if I truly met the right girl, I would be willing to overcome any obstacle it took, much like you did. I don't think I'll have much trouble with the language barrier. Even while I'm over in America, as I learn Japanese, I plan to immerse myself in it as much as possible. I won't consider myself good at Japanese until I can speak it on a near-native level, and I won't enter the JET until I consider myself to be good at Japanese.

"Deciding where to live will be the most difficult decision that we have to decide. I could totally see myself living in Japan, but at the same time, I love where I'm at here in the US. If I could have it my way, I would like to live in Japan for 3 or 4 months out of the year, and then come back here and live. The point is the situation that I'm in requires a lot of patience, work, and struggle. Who knows you could end up in a similar situation, so I'm warning you this is not a simplistic aspect."

I know. However, I don't think that will be as large a problem for me. My parents, as much as I love them, aren't exactly great parents (in my opinion). Part (albeit, a small part) of my reason for moving to Japan is so that I could control when I saw them. Also, if I had a child, I'd want to raise him/her in my own way, without too much influence from my parents. I won't go into details here, but I will say that that's one reason.

"Sorry, I kinda went off on a tangent, but I just wanted to give you a real life example. The point I am trying to make is that in order to make an international relationship to work, you need dedication, patience, and be willing to sacrifice."

I understand that. It will be rough, and it will take alot of work, but I'm more than willing to go the distance.

"This is just some advice I'm giving to you, so I guess you can take it with a grain of salt. However, marriage and having a kid will alter your life forever, so if this happens to you I hope you are up for the challange. Also, if this is your dream to do this, then I say go for it. There are too many people who end up regret not chasing their dreams, but be very cautious of what you are getting yourself into. I hope this helps you out......"

Don't worry. I'm considering your advice fullheartedly. I know marriage and having a child will change my life forever. I'm actually hoping that it will. And I've always planned to have at least a second home in Japan, but I didn't plan on moving there because it didn't seem feasible to me at the time. I've just recently started planning this. I know Japan is where I want to go. It's the most important dream I have. I'm not going to just chase into it foolheartedly. This is too important.


Thank you so much for your post. I really appreciate your advice. :bow: