Uh-oh she's pregnant! dekichattakon help? できちゃった婚について

[A7mouse]

Hey, I'm not such a stranger to the forum, but as my name implies, I'm writing a-nana-mously.

My girlfriend, who is Japanese, is studying at a university in the U.S.. She's about 4 months now. I'm American, but I can speak and understand Japanese semi-fluently. She's 22 and I'm 20. I grew up raised by a single mother, I was homeless for a couple years and have had alot of valuable experiences that led me to believe abortion is not an option whether or not you are in a 'proper' position to start raising a child. I just want to specify that that's not really what I'm asking about.

I, naturally, have some concerns. And, naturally, as soon as I started writing this they all slipped out my ear. I thought that maybe a few people here have had similar experiences (i.e, married Japanese or dekichatta kon) and my naive self would like to beg some advice from you.

Would it be easier to get married here and transfer the marriage to Japan and get a spouse visa? or would it be easier to get married in Japan?

In Japan does the bride's family pay for the ceremony? If it's dekichatta kon?

This one's VERY important: Has anyone ever had the experience of breaking this kind of news to their Japanese partner's parents? If we were just getting married, thats a LITTLE easier. If we were already married and she's pregnant that's easier, but both at the same time? I've met her parents and her father seems to be a very reasonable person, but if I were in his place shooting me in the head sounds very reasonable. Her mother (who grew up with alot of money and seems to be a bit of an elitist), on the other hand, may seriously despise me so long as I live.

I read on another thread that the Japanese mothers can take custody of the children very easily and that there's very little that the fathers can do. It scared me a little bit that her family (primarily her mother) might try to persuade her along these lines.

One of my major concerns is, If we're married and in Japan (I suppose I'd be on a spouse/resident? visa) is it possible for me to bring my mother over to live with us as a dependent or something? I was raised by a single mother who therefore hasn't had a chance to save for retirement so it's my responsibility to provide for her. She doesn't have to come with us right away, but sooner or later.

If anyone with similar experience could give me any advice or information I'd be really grateful!

Thank you,
A7mouse

[Carlson]

Has anyone ever had the experience of breaking this kind of news to their Japanese partner's parents?


i hope i dont have to.

[Tokis-Phoenix]

Do you have a job and with a steady good income? Any qualifications? How long have you been going out with her?
If you havn't got a job or decent steady honest income, you need to get a job- japanese or not, if i had a daughter and she got pregnant to some guy and wanted to keep the baby, i'd want him to be able to properly support her financially at the very least to give her some chance of continueing her education and the child to have a proper life too.
Do you rent a place in japan to live in or own one?
Also, if you have only been going out a couple of months with her, and she has got pregnant accidentally, you need to take into consideration her plans at current at whats gonna happen. Any guy can get a girl pregnant, but it takes a man to be a father. It will be no walk in the park.

Right now you need to be realistic and work very hard on making good impressions and earning money to settle down properly, marriage isn't anything- plus its very costly. Do you know anything about traditional japanese weddings? How long have you been living/staying in japan?

[yukio_michael]

From what the original poster said, I think they are both living in the United States at the moment.

[Tokis-Phoenix]

From what the original poster said, I think they are both living in the United States at the moment.

Whoops, missed that part- but the rest still counts :) .

[Mars Man]

Greetings A7mouse san--although I may not need to greet you, taking your word for it that you are no stranger to the forums. . . this is me, Mars Man...

Now, it is a situation that is seemingly unexpected and requires a great amount of steady, rationally-controlled (or tempered) emotional thought and planning.

I have had the same experience of having been involved in a pregnancy, to a Japanese girl when I was in college, and we chose abortion in the end--although I did marry the girl later. That was my first marriage.

Without giving a sermon, which I could do, and am emotionally charged to do, I would simply say that you need to think it out more. What Tokis-Phoenix has said I agree to, and I'd add:

Are you aware of, or have you considered the differences between 'cocktail' love and love in the real? Is your girlfriend really ready to sacrifice that which will be sacrificed if you two decide to tie the knot and have the child--regardless of whether you live in the US or in Japan? (that could mean family ties...maybe) Have you calculated the costs of having and raising a child in both cases of living in Japan or the US? Have you estimated the monthly income that you can bring in giving your age and education level? (the mother would not be able to work for at least a couple of years [assuming day care centers would too expensive for under three year old children])

Then, I would suggest living in the US for the moment, unless her parents are willing to give you two board and room for a while. You can possibly find work here, it's not impossible, for I've seen non-Japanese doing everything from restaurant work, road construction, to the standard teaching English.

I could be wrong, but rather than straight out saying she is expecting, perhaps the wording of asking permission to marry her firstly may be a good way. Of course, the 'because she is pregnant' will follow right on the heels, but just that intro would probably be best, and I would suggest that it should be you, and not her, to do that. However, she should be willing to immediately follow up on that by chiming in with her wanting to be with you, even if that did mean estrangement from the family in whatever way to whatever degree, for however long.

On the bright side, you have before you an addition to the sphere of life, a beauty which incomprehensionably rejects our full understanding. An addition and an extension to the lives that you and she are, the growth of genes beyond the source of origin, seeking their own space, time and environment. It is nothing less than a miracle; the epitome of wonder and beauty.

I hope your decision on which course to take ends up to have been the more correct one after the passage of 30 years !! I wish you the best !! A7mouse

[kirei_na_me]

Yes, give this some serious thought. Believe me, you don't want to get married just because of a pregnancy. If that is the main factor in your decision to get married, you might want to reconsider.

I was in this same situation, except it was reversed. I was the American and my husband Japanese. He wanted to get married, and I really didn't, but for various reasons, I did anyway. Big mistake, but big mistake for me. It might not be for someone else.

Just use caution and make sure this is what you want.

The best of luck to you!

[ArmandV]

Been there, done that. My wife and I were already engaged when she became pregnant with my daughter. Abortion was never ever considered. My daughter was the best thing to happen in my ill-fated marriage. Also, my wife miscarried twice after my daughter was born, so I consider myself lucky that we had her.

Plan wisely and enjoy your child!

[Kinsao]

I can only echo what people have already said. Take a consideration and make your 'future plans' first, together (finding work, deciding where you want to live and what you plan to do for a living, etc.)... decide whether you really want to get married and aren't going into it just because she's pregnant... For telling her parents, it is unfortunately necessary to bite the bullet and tell them. >_< As Mars Man pointed out, it seems the best course of action would be to talk with them about the marriage (assuming you do decide to get married) first, and then the child... Not an easy task, but it has to be done. >_<

Don't rush into getting married just because she is pregnant - maybe you could wait a while; if your relationship is a strong and lasting one you will have all the time in the world ahead of you ^^ - but if you have thought, talked, and that is your decision together, then good luck to you both - no, to all three of you! - in the future! :p

[nurizeko]

Just wondering, what are her feelings? you said you've only been dating a few months, perhaps the pregnancy was an accident? what is your girlfriends feelings?....does she want an abortion? does she want to take her child to japan? does she want to marry you?.


Sorry for the personal poking its just, we had threads knida similar to this and it was basically just the opinion of the poster, we never really found out the full situation, including the opinions and stuff of the woman involved until having to decifer it from his many posts.

[Mike Cash]

Have the two of you considered giving the child up for adoption?

[A7mouse]

Hey, thank you all for taking the time to consider this.

The misunderstanding is entirely my fault, I tried to give the thread title a lighthearted touch but I think it instead gave the impression that we haven't thoroughly thought things through. Taking away the life of an unborn child because it doesn't fit into my plans is wrong to me. Believe me, I'm mortified by this, but it's not a decision to be made.

We're having a child, due in september/october and I would just like to ask some questions about Japan.
We would like to be in Japan by the time the baby's born (our plans are for going to Japan mid-august).
It would be best if I could be on a spouse visa by then so that I can find work immediately.
To be continued...
Any advice you could give me along those lines I would be more than grateful for! (Especially related to timing and ofcourse finances)


(1) Would it be more efficient to get married in the U.S., get the marriage recognized in Japan and apply for a spouse visa from the U.S.?
Or, is the spouse visa processed much quicker if one's already in Japan?
I'm not talking about the ceremony just the legal marriage.

(2) Would my mother at some point at another be able to live in Japan as my dependent? I know that there's the dependent visa, but I was wondering if anyone's ever heard of this before.


you said you've only been dating a few months
I'm sorry, my wording wasn't very clear. By "She's four months now" I meant "She's four months pregnant now."

Thank you all for all your time,
A7mouse

[Ewok85]

It would be quicker to do it in Japan, you don't need a ceremony to be married, simply go to the appropriate government center (city hall etc) and fill in some paperwork. Once you've done that, you can apply for a spouse visa, and start working once its being processed.

[ArmandV]

Taking away the life of an unborn child because it doesn't fit into my plans is wrong to me. Believe me, I'm mortified by this, but it's not a decision to be made.A7mouse

My sentiments exactly.


(1) Would it be more efficient to get married in the U.S., get the marriage recognized in Japan and apply for a spouse visa from the U.S.?
Or, is the spouse visa processed much quicker if one's already in Japan?
I'm not talking about the ceremony just the legal marriage.
(2) Would my mother at some point at another be able to live in Japan as my dependent? I know that there's the dependent visa, but I was wondering if anyone's ever heard of this before.
I'm sorry, my wording wasn't very clear. By "She's four months now" I meant "She's four months pregnant now."
Thank you all for all your time,
A7mouse

I think we knew what you meant.

For #1, I would say it would be a lot cheaper to get married in the U.S. as Japanese weddings are expensive. I would guess that Japanese wedding licenses may be tricky (as you are a non-Japanese) and maybe more costly. Then as a Japanese national, she'd have an easier time (I would think) in getting you in on a spouse visa. I am sure others here would be able to give you a more definitive answer. But common sense would tell me that flashing your marriage certificate in their faces would give them no room to give you an argument as it would already be a done deal.

For #2, I have no idea.

[Ewok85]

Getting married is nothing more than you both signing a piece of paper. A wedding is an expensive ceremony to celebrate the marriage. Which are you actually doing?

[Mars Man]

Hello again A7mouse san, my brother on the forum. . .even though I do not know who you usually are here. . .

I think we would all respect the decision that, most hopefully, the two of you have made on this, yes, and cheer you two onward with the best of wishes for a successful, happy, and productive life together as husband and wife, parents and child(ren). In the nitty-gritty of real life, nevertheless, it doesn't always go according to wish, hope, nor plan--that, is the gamble that none of us can escape. My thoughts are with you.

As for marriage recognition, Japan of course will go with the laws that bind in the state where you live, as for your being married to a Japanese national. If you happen to live in a city where there is Japanese Embassy branch, or are not far from such a city, I'd suggest doing the legal end there, and applying for the spouse visa before coming. Otherwise, Japan may be less of a hassle. Although, you'd still have to get it registered with the US Embassy in Tokyo, I'd think, and that means you'd have to go there. (unless things have changed in that respect since I've done it)

As far as I know, your mother can come later. There are a number of Brazilian people I know of here, who have done just that. But first, you have to have the means to support her, and be able to show it on paper and in the taxes that have been paid.

Again...I wish you the best of the best luck you two (three [or more]) can have !!:cool: :cool: :cool: :-)

[Riyko]

We would like to be in Japan by the time the baby's born (our plans are for going to Japan mid-august).
If she's due in Sept/Oct she won't be able to fly because she'll be too far along and it can harm or kill the child. My sister in law is pregnant and she's due in Sept and they told her that after she hits 6 months she can't fly because of what it can do to the child.

[Mike Cash]

My very very strong advice to you if you plan to come to Japan to work and live is to undergo whatever hardships you must at the present in order to finish your college degree first.

Trust me, you don't want to be a foreign employee in Japan without one.

[Tokis-Phoenix]

Hey, thank you all for taking the time to consider this.
The misunderstanding is entirely my fault, I tried to give the thread title a lighthearted touch but I think it instead gave the impression that we haven't thoroughly thought things through. Taking away the life of an unborn child because it doesn't fit into my plans is wrong to me. Believe me, I'm mortified by this, but it's not a decision to be made.
We're having a child, due in september/october and I would just like to ask some questions about Japan.
We would like to be in Japan by the time the baby's born (our plans are for going to Japan mid-august).
It would be best if I could be on a spouse visa by then so that I can find work immediately.
To be continued...
Any advice you could give me along those lines I would be more than grateful for! (Especially related to timing and ofcourse finances)
(1) Would it be more efficient to get married in the U.S., get the marriage recognized in Japan and apply for a spouse visa from the U.S.?
Or, is the spouse visa processed much quicker if one's already in Japan?
I'm not talking about the ceremony just the legal marriage.
(2) Would my mother at some point at another be able to live in Japan as my dependent? I know that there's the dependent visa, but I was wondering if anyone's ever heard of this before.
I'm sorry, my wording wasn't very clear. By "She's four months now" I meant "She's four months pregnant now."
Thank you all for all your time,
A7mouse


You must take into strongly consideration what she wants and needs in her life at this point in time- she will have to stop going to university if she is going to follow through with this pregnancy and child. You may be strongly anti-abortion, but do not pressure into having a baby she is not sure of as you will both have to raise this child for 18 or more years solidly, even then it will be a life committment 'til that day you die. You must consider all options together.
Do you have a job, and if so, what is your yearly or monthly income from it?
Do you have any qualifications or are doing any education?

Raising a child is very expensive, she will not be able to work for quite a while too, so you must work out the average costs of raising a child (clothes, school fee's, food, toys etc).
I would not plan marriage until you have talked things over with her parents, how well do you know them? Do they know you?
Her parents will probably more likely to be swayed into liking you if they see you making a big, practical, serious effort to raise a child like getting a well paid job and place to stay rather than just getting married.
You must also discuss education with them, one thing they won't be too chuffed about is the university thing as she will have to put her education on hold if she is to have a child, so you must show you have qualifications or a strong will to go to educate yourself etc.
And who knows, they may be really wanting to be grandparents and add to their family and things :) .

[ArmandV]

My very very strong advice to you if you plan to come to Japan to work and live is to undergo whatever hardships you must at the present in order to finish your college degree first.

Trust me, you don't want to be a foreign employee in Japan without one.


"He speaks the truth, my son." - Maleva the gypsy to Lawrence Talbot.

[budd]

yah. definitely needs to get the college degree
friends here learned the hard way
they are having change-of-life thoughts in their late thirties...

[Kakulin]

Marry in the USA (Las Vegas would be a great place to do it fast) so that she gets American Citizenship (that will be your gift to her). After that is done then do whatever the hell you want (by that I mean to finish or not to finish college). And theeeeen go to Japan if you want. But really... do what your hearts tell you and don't go to others for advice. Everyone is different.

[Mike Cash]

Marry in the USA (Las Vegas would be a great place to do it fast) so that she gets American Citizenship (that will be your gift to her).

Marrying her does not confer American citizenship. It can start the process toward citizenship, but it is not automatic. And if they plan to reside in Japan, she won't move toward eligibility anyway and after a relatively short period of time even her Green Card will become invalid. If you're going to give advice on something this important, make sure you know what you're talking about first.

After that is done then do whatever the hell you want (by that I mean to finish or not to finish college). And theeeeen go to Japan if you want. But really... do what your hearts tell you and don't go to others for advice. Everyone is different.

If he tries living long term in Japan as a foreigner without a college degree, there will come a day, and that sooner than later, when he will wish most fervently that he had listened to that advice. If you're going to give advice on something this important, make sure you know what you're talking about first.

[Kakulin]

Marrying her does not confer American citizenship. It can start the process toward citizenship, but it is not automatic. And if they plan to reside in Japan, she won't move toward eligibility anyway and after a relatively short period of time even her Green Card will become invalid. If you're going to give advice on something this important, make sure you know what you're talking about first.
If he tries living long term in Japan as a foreigner without a college degree, there will come a day, and that sooner than later, when he will wish most fervently that he had listened to that advice. If you're going to give advice on something this important, make sure you know what you're talking about first.

You only see what is written. Each of my sentences is a whole paragraph. Truth is that none of what you said that I said I actually said.

But my question to you is... why do you hate americans so much? Are you american?

Mixture of races is the most beautiful thing and I long for the day when the world has no more unique races, but a mixture of races. That's when racism will cease to exist.

[Mike Cash]

You only see what is written. Each of my sentences is a whole paragraph. Truth is that none of what you said that I said I actually said.

You're saying I invented the quotes from your post?

But my question to you is... why do you hate americans so much? Are you american?

How on earth do you arrive at the conclusion that I hate Americans? What have I said that could possibly lead you to think that?

Mixture of races is the most beautiful thing and I long for the day when the world has no more unique races, but a mixture of races. That's when racism will cease to exist.

That's a very beautiful sentiment. What does it have to do with this thread? Was it meant to imply that I am some sort of racist?

[Mikawa Ossan]

BTW, A7mouse, unlike the U.S., a child born in Japan does not automatically become a Japanese citizen. One parent must be of Japanese citizenship, and you must register your child's birth. Arguably that is much easier to do in Japan than in the U.S., but keep this in mind.

And Mike Cash is correct. My brother is married to a Taiwanese national. She has not obtained U.S. citizenship automatically as a result. In fact, she is still waiting for her green card, which is quite different from citizenship.

Also, the point about having a college degree in Japan can not be stressed enough.

[Kakulin]

You're saying I invented the quotes from your post?
No, but that you assumed too much. You said that I said more than I said.

How on earth do you arrive at the conclusion that I hate Americans? What have I said that could possibly lead you to think that?
Not wanting there to be more americans? I believe the whole world should be governed by one universal constitution. Maybe in 200 years from now everyone in the world will be an American. lol

That's a very beautiful sentiment. What does it have to do with this thread? Was it meant to imply that I am some sort of racist?
No, that was meant to all the fools saying that the girl should abort the baby.

[nice gaijin]

No, but that you assumed too much. You said that I said more than I said.
Mike responded to what you wrote. If you think he misunderstood you, perhaps you should be more concise. I saw no undue inferences made in his response to you, but your replies have been full of them.

Not wanting there to be more americans? I believe the whole world should be governed by one universal constitution. Maybe in 200 years from now everyone in the world will be an American. lolWhere did Mike say he didn't want any more Americans? I thought he just said that a Vegas marriage wouldn't instantaneously grant citizenship, as you had previously implied.

No, that was meant to all the fools saying that the girl should abort the baby.Also, I don't see how references to abortion automatically equate to racism. I'd also like to point out that no one in this thread has actually suggested abortion; perhaps you should read more carefully.

[Mike Cash]

Not wanting there to be more americans? I believe the whole world should be governed by one universal constitution. Maybe in 200 years from now everyone in the world will be an American. lol

Leaving aside the silliness of the last two sentences....How do you take my factual information about the woman not being able to get American citizenship under the misinformed advice you gave and twist it into me not wanting there to be more Americans? The logical disconnect there is astounding.

[kirei_na_me]

We're drifting, we're drifting.

To whoever said it wasn't ok to fly when she's in the third trimester, I flew round trip to Paris when I was 34 weeks pregnant. The baby was perfectly fine, just like the doctor said he would be. The only thing he advised me to do was get up and walk around every hour. He even encouraged me to have a glass of nice French wine every night I was there.

Getting married in the US doesn't guarantee American citizenship, either. It may help your cause, but it does not guarantee it. It was a hassle for my husband just to get his Green Card, and we had it a lot easier than most, and it was two years before 9/11. Things have changed a lot now, for the worse, so it's a lot more difficult.

Anyway, I'm a good one to talk about drifting, as I'm doing it right now.

My advice? Don't marry Japanese... :p Just kidding...well, kind of... :souka:

Good luck!

[Ewok85]

The logical disconnect there is astounding.

You don't mind if I use this phrase, I just love the imagery it gives! :cool:

[Mars Man]

When I saw this thread listed at the top of the main page, the thought flashed through my mind, "What? Is she pregnant again? Already? That sure was fast !!":p

But, please, please gentlemen (as I am not addressing the ladies at this moment) if I may. I think that there has been a little bit of mis-seeing along with a little bit of mis-wording that seems to have clogged the cogs of the machinery, making it run kind of jerky. I really, really hope to put a little lubrication (no pun intended) on it, to help smooth things out. Please do give me a hand !! Thanks !! (and out of consideration for you Mike--although I know they're blocked anyway--I only put one smilie ! hee, hee, hee....)


[I purposely chose not to further explain myself here, yet if there is question, I will]

[mr.sumo.snr]

Just picking up on the "I read on another thread that the Japanese mothers can take custody of the children very easily and that there's very little that the fathers can do" line.

A search of the fj.life.in-japan newsgroup (a far older yet these days less informative source than this revered forum) using the keywords "divorce" & "children" brought back some memories (of members long-since gone...home...) as well as some sound advice - here's a link http://tinyurl.com/qszqk
--

[Mike Cash]

Getting married in the US doesn't guarantee American citizenship, either. It may help your cause, but it does not guarantee it. It was a hassle for my husband just to get his Green Card, and we had it a lot easier than most

To expand upon that, if I may.....

Getting married in the US (or to an American anywhere on the globe, for that matter) not only doesn't guarantee American citizenship, it doesn't even guarantee a Green Card.

Further, and this is an important point, while Green Cards are "permanent" visas, they do have a countdown clock to expiration if the holder is absent from the US for a certain period of time (with certain exceptions).

[budd]

http://www.uscis.gov/graphics/howdoi/PermRes.htm
yah i have exfriend who decided to move back to japan after she went to a harakari (?) party and her sister (works for the apple division at microsoft) agreed to take care of her. her friends think its such a waste after all the trouble and stress she went through to get the green card in the first place.
kay sarah kay sarah imo