Dating Someone With a Different Religion/Belief

[Half-n-Half]

I was just curious as to whether anybody here has dated someone who is not the same religion as they are and how it worked out, if it did at all. Whether it be a Christian dating a Muslim, Buddhist dating a Christian, an Atheist/Agnostic dating any religious person, or vice versa for any of those. In your experience, can these relationships last? If not, why? I have found a girl I like but as far as I can tell she is pretty into Christianity and I'm not sure if she would be able to accept my Atheism. Is this something any of you has experienced?

[Tsuyoiko]

If she's "pretty into" her Christianity then I think there's little chance of a successful relationship, unless your atheism isn't very important to you. If your atheism is strong, you're bound to have different views on issues you both care about, and I think relationships are more likely to be successful when both people have similar outlooks.

[Chidoriashi]

I think it depends how strong each others beliefs are, or more so, how flexible the other is willing to be in regards that persons beliefs. For example if you got married, would you be willing to do so in a church etc? or would you demand something else of her? Would you care if she took the kids to Sunday school? Would she be angry if you refused to let her do so? I guess those are the kinds of things I would think about, but you can figure that out as you get to know the other person. You will probably know this about them long before the relationship ever gets serious too.

[Half-n-Half]

Thank you both for your responses.

If she's "pretty into" her Christianity then I think there's little chance of a successful relationship, unless your atheism isn't very important to you. If your atheism is strong, you're bound to have different views on issues you both care about, and I think relationships are more likely to be successful when both people have similar outlooks.

Hmm...well I'm not sure my atheism is "important" to me. I can understand how some of our views can be different that might be hot topics or big issues, but I don't know what that has to do with loving someone. I don't think I could ever stop loving my mother even if she advocated the opposite side of an issue that I do. I understand motherly love is different, but still, at least on some level to me the "differing views" point is irrelevant.

Just a second question for anyone: Would you ever consider dating someone who had a different religion/belief than you? Or would the fact that someone is a (different)Religious/Atheist person and you are not be an automatic three strikes?

[Derfel]

I think the problem is that atheism doesn't prescribe any form of behaviour, whereas religion does. If she's an ordinary Christian (not yet hardcore, but still pretty consistent in following the 'rules'), you're going to be the 'underdog'. And I would assume that she would wish you the best and that, in her view, would probably mean saving your soul. If she is a stereotypical Christian, you will receive more unsolicited 'help' than you have ever wished for. And if you let her help, you'll be doing heaps of stuff you don't even see the point of.

That being said, there's a clear advantage. You can blaspheme in her presence and watch the reaction.

Hmm...well I'm not sure my atheism is "important" to me.

The fact that you did not choose to be atheist, but became one because of how your views developed means that you can only be an atheist unless persuaded that theistic views are correct. It is what you believe, so whether you like or not, it is important to you.

[Tsuyoiko]

I can understand how some of our views can be different that might be hot topics or big issues, but I don't know what that has to do with loving someone. I don't think I could ever stop loving my mother even if she advocated the opposite side of an issue that I do. I understand motherly love is different, but still, at least on some level to me the "differing views" point is irrelevant.

It wouldn't necessarily stop you from loving someone, but it's likely to make it difficult to live with them, although of course it depends on how much your beliefs differ, and how much they affect your day-to-day life.

I'm not sure you can really compare your feelings for a potential romantic partner to those of a parent as it's a different kind of love. In general, I think we tolerate a lot more from our parents since we don't get to choose them, and most of us leave home eventually. When you're choosing someone to hopefully spend the rest of your life with, it makes sense to be somewhat picky.

Which of your beliefs or principals are really important to you? Are any of them incompatible with what this girl, as a Christian, is likely to believe? Just to pick a random example, I would find it impossible to have a relationship with someone who had a religious objection to using contraception. Do you have any principles like that, that you absolutely wouldn't break?

Just a second question for anyone: Would you ever consider dating someone who had a different religion/belief than you? Or would the fact that someone is a (different)Religious/Atheist person and you are not be an automatic three strikes?

It would depend on how their religious beliefs manifest themselves. I have a very close friend who is a Catholic; if I was single I would want to pursue a romantic relationship with him. His beliefs are very passive. He believes in god, he calls himself a Catholic, but he doesn't conform to the usual expectations of a Catholic.

[Mikawa Ossan]

It wouldn't necessarily stop you from loving someone, but it's likely to make it difficult to live with them, although of course it depends on how much your beliefs differ, and how much they affect your day-to-day life.
Think about the kids, should the couple get married. I know it depends on the couple, but if both parents have an opinion on how to raise the kids concerning religion, this could cause some serious friction.

[Emoni]

Besides worshiping "Sky Daddy" and imaginary people "just cause they say to" being huge turn off, I want a woman who can think for herself, not simply someone who follows dogma. Someone who is "spiritual" or is interested in some way in religion I don't see a problem, but someone who is heavily into any religion/pawn I see nothing but huge disagreement and arguments.

I already am annoyed when religion tries to tell me how to live, mix that with a marriage and you have my concept of "hell."

[Pachipro]

Thank you both for your responses.


Originally Posted by Tsuyoiko http://www.jref.com/forum/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.jref.com/forum/showthread.php?p=642946#post642946) If she's "pretty into" her Christianity then I think there's little chance of a successful relationship, unless your atheism isn't very important to you. If your atheism is strong, you're bound to have different views on issues you both care about, and I think relationships are more likely to be successful when both people have similar outlooks.


Hmm...well I'm not sure my atheism is "important" to me.

Then you really couldn't be an athiest now could you? An athiest usually would never change their views unless they had firm proof that a "God" existed and for the last 6,000 years or so God has never shown himself nor has there ever been any proof. Anyway, as Tsuyoiko said above I concur in that there will be problems if you both are not on the same wavelength. I've seen it happen and end in divorce due to one party thinking that they can persuade the other and when both fail to concede it leads to trouble.


Besides worshiping "Sky Daddy" and imaginary people "just cause they say to" being huge turn off, I want a woman who can think for herself, not simply someone who follows dogma. Someone who is "spiritual" or is interested in some way in religion I don't see a problem, but someone who is heavily into any religion/pawn I see nothing but huge disagreement and arguments.

I already am annoyed when religion tries to tell me how to live, mix that with a marriage and you have my concept of "hell."

I totally agree and can't add nothing more to what you so succinctly stated.

[Drew-san]

Just a second question for anyone: Would you ever consider dating someone who had a different religion/belief than you? Or would the fact that someone is a (different)Religious/Atheist person and you are not be an automatic three strikes?
I'm agnostic and all of the girls I've liked thus far in life have been affiliated with some religion. One of which I liked a lot (only one so far), but it didn't work out (due to other unrelated reasons). She was a hardcore Christian, but it never bothered us.

It's kind of ironic that I end up liking girls who are hardcore Christians. -.-
It's never served as a problem as I respect their ideas and they aren't bothered mine.
As for if I married a girl with those views I wouldn't have a problem sending the kids to church. I think they should be educated in it and then make their own decisions.

[Half-n-Half]

Ahh thanks for making a post Drew-san! I had been meaning to respond to Pachipro but forgot :blush:

Then you really couldn't be an athiest now could you? An athiest usually would never change their views unless they had firm proof that a "God" existed and for the last 6,000 years or so God has never shown himself nor has there ever been any proof. Anyway, as Tsuyoiko said above I concur in that there will be problems if you both are not on the same wavelength. I've seen it happen and end in divorce due to one party thinking that they can persuade the other and when both fail to concede it leads to trouble.


Well, yes I suppose if you take it to be important as in stated above with changing my views. I think it's a tricky word though and it is difficult to define what one means by it being important to them. To me important would be along the lines of feeling compelled to defend my beliefs, although I totally understand what you were saying and in that sense it is important to me.

There's a tricky thing with the second part of what you said. If my wife and I were truly in love and the reason she wanted to convert me was to save my soul so we could be together forever in heaven, would I concede? I'd like to think that love should go beyond boundaries of religion and if it made her happy to see me go to church then why not. All that matters is what I believe and I doubt going to church would change that. However, it is being a little dishonest to "convert" to Christianity but in reality not. So I really don't know what would happen in that case.

I'm agnostic and all of the girls I've liked thus far in life have been affiliated with some religion. One of which I liked a lot (only one so far), but it didn't work out (due to other unrelated reasons). She was a hardcore Christian, but it never bothered us.

It's kind of ironic that I end up liking girls who are hardcore Christians. -.-
It's never served as a problem as I respect their ideas and they aren't bothered mine.
As for if I married a girl with those views I wouldn't have a problem sending the kids to church. I think they should be educated in it and then make their own decisions.

I'm glad it worked out with them and your respective beliefs did not interfere with your relationship as they shouldn't, in my opinion.

[Drew-san]

I'm glad it worked out with them and your respective beliefs did not interfere with your relationship as they shouldn't, in my opinion.
If they don't let it bother them and vice-versa everything should be fine, but that all depends on the person.

[Hezam]

i think it's like they said above....but many people in my country married to Christians women and Jewish too...
Maybe some poeple think that it's like oil and water,both do not mix..but it works as i saw......
something else,i find their relationship is stronger than the Athiest since it's religious matter << some ppl hate this word "Religion" lol

[Tsuyoiko]

something else,i find their relationship is stronger than the Athiest since it's religious matter << some ppl hate this word "Religion" lol

I'm not sure what makes you think that. My husband and I are both atheists and our relationship is about as strong as it gets because we share core values in common; we think the same way about religion, money, politics etc.

[Hezam]

I'm not sure what makes you think that. My husband and I are both atheists and our relationship is about as strong as it gets because we share core values in common; we think the same way about religion, money, politics etc.
Maybe because i have not seen athiests !!
I think in US & Europe the man has many girlfriends and the same with women,right ?
so in this case the relationship between the wife & husband is not strong..this is what i think and please correct me if i'm wrong....
Thank you ^^ and i am glad your relationship is strong,wish you a good/long life.

[Danny om]

There's a fatal incompatablity issue with a closed belief system in which one cannot question whether or not a deity exists or certain events linked to that deity existed and one who is free from such dogma.. I would like to think that `love` is beyond the teachings of some external (unproven) force.

As you could probably tell I`m a Atheist But Buddhism has a certain appeal!

If you want some humorous musings on such issues, check out PAULSEGO on youtube...full on man! :D

[Derfel]

I think in US & Europe the man has many girlfriends and the same with women,right ? so in this case the relationship between the wife & husband is not strong..


Having several relationships simultaneously or extramarital relationships is not accepted in western society.

[Tsuyoiko]

Maybe because i have not seen athiests !!
I think in US & Europe the man has many girlfriends and the same with women,right ?
so in this case the relationship between the wife & husband is not strong..this is what i think and please correct me if i'm wrong....
Thank you ^^ and i am glad your relationship is strong,wish you a good/long life.

As Derfel says, it's unacceptable if these relationships are simultaneous. People who have "too many" short relationships are also frowned upon to a certain degree, although opinions would differ as to how many is too many. I think it's still more unacceptable for a woman to be promiscuous than a man.

I don't think religion is necessarily a separate issue. If you feel strongly about anything, you're unlikely to be happy with someone whose beliefs are significantly different. I can't see myself with anyone who's actively religious, materialistic or politically right wing.

[Drew-san]

As Derfel says, it's unacceptable if these relationships are simultaneous. People who have "too many" short relationships are also frowned upon to a certain degree, although opinions would differ as to how many is too many. I think it's still more unacceptable for a woman to be promiscuous than a man.
I don't think religion is necessarily a separate issue. If you feel strongly about anything, you're unlikely to be happy with someone whose beliefs are significantly different. I can't see myself with anyone who's actively religious, materialistic or politically right wing.
Religion would be a little different than conflicting views like politics though. As religion is a way of life for most religious people.

Took me over a year to reach 100 posts. O_o

[Danny om]

Indeed! Attraction knows no bounds....;)

[Tsuyoiko]

Religion would be a little different than conflicting views like politics though. As religion is a way of life for most religious people.

I see what you mean, I suppose religion is more commonly the guiding principle in people's lives. I grew up in a house where politics was more important than religion, so I guess I see things a bit differently.

[Kinsao]

Well me and my husband are of different religions. I'm a Catholic and my husband is a Pagan. It doesn't cause any problems in our relationship. :) However, it's important to make sure you see eye to eye on important issues. I think it's easier when both partners have a 'religion' (or spiritual belief if you don't mean organised religion) because then actually you do mainly see eye to eye on important things (e.g. my cousin is a Catholic and his wife is Muslim). If one partner is religious/spiritual and the other is atheist, that could cause problems because on central point you are not agreeing.

[Goldiegirl]

My husband and I are different religions, cultures, nationalities. We don't talk about religion, politics, or anything else! hahaha (only joking) I really don't think it has to be a problem, unless one person is always trying to convert the other. My feeling is if you fell in love ( or like) with them, you did that without regard to his/her religion or lack thereof. If you are an atheist, that's ok, just don't try and disprove her beliefs. By doing that you are in a way belittling her beliefs; and vice versa. Neither one of you has to be right or wrong. Of course if you plan on every having children, it could get tricky.

[Tsuyoiko]

If you are an atheist, that's ok, just don't try and disprove her beliefs. By doing that you are in a way belittling her beliefs; and vice versa. Neither one of you has to be right or wrong.

Unless you really don't care about the subject of religion I think that's easier said than done. For me at least, it would be hard to have to censor myself to avoid belittling the person closest to me. People get upset when you disagree with their beliefs - we see it on this forum all the time. I wouldn't want that stress in a marriage.

[Half-n-Half]

Unless you really don't care about the subject of religion I think that's easier said than done. For me at least, it would be hard to have to censor myself to avoid belittling the person closest to me. People get upset when you disagree with their beliefs - we see it on this forum all the time. I wouldn't want that stress in a marriage.

Maybe so, but how often would you have to be censored? I think that depends on the person and how much they discuss their religion or lack of religion. I myself rarely ever get into a discussion about it with friends and it is a non-issue. Again, some people may get upset, others may not. The reason we see it on this forum is because we create threads specifically tailored to discuss beliefs. And even then, I would say it again depends on the person. People like Mycernius (Sorry Mycernius! :sorry:) are pretty outspoken about it and will type pages of rebuttals. Other people like myself just like to sit back and watch without getting too involved, although admittedly I have been involved in some heated topics.

[Derfel]

No views deserve protection. If his or her views are as important to her as yours to you, surely he or she will try to protect them, and that is when, ideally, the truth is meant to surface.

"You respect my beliefs and I respect your beliefs. Aren't we a sweet ******* couple?"
Rubbish. If you believe a certain belief or bunch of beliefs to be absolute shite, you will be effectively become a liar if you acquiescence to said rubbish being spouted and do nothing just smile and observe.

In some peoples' lives this isn't a big issue, because they just couldn't give a damn about it, but surely, those people have no such problems, why? Because they don't give a damn. But if this issue is important to you, then obviously, you will be raping yourself trying not to offend someone with whom you disagree completely.

[Tsuyoiko]

Maybe so, but how often would you have to be censored? I think that depends on the person and how much they discuss their religion or lack of religion.
But if this issue is important to you, then obviously, you will be raping yourself trying not to offend someone with whom you disagree completely.

Thanks Derfel, you expressed what I was trying to say.

I care a lot about religion. As a kid I went to Sunday School, read the Bible and said my prayers. As a teenager I drew up astrological charts and read Tarot cards. As an adult I put my trust in Science and logic. I've worked damned hard to reach the worldview I have now, so I like to talk about how I got here and why I'm an atheist now. If I can't share one of the most important things in my life with the person I'm married to, then for me the relationship is doomed.

[Goldiegirl]

Maybe so, but how often would you have to be censored?.
I am not censored, I don't bring up his religion...he doesn't bring up mine. I don't care who or what he believes in...what I care about is that he respects the facts that we are different. Religion is certainly not a biggie for either of us. Nationality, well, that is....so we have agreed to disagree. It's that, or not be married. He is more than Japanese, and I am more than American. Of course, there is the "motorcylcle" issue as well...for us that is way bigger than religion, culture, etc.....

[RavenRockstar]

I think it would be prettyhard for me.
I find religion and its history fascinating, but believing in it is another matter entirely.
I dont think I could be with someone who's views I find ridiculous and contrary, I wouldnt be able to control the urge to call them out on it. Which they probably wouldnt appreciate ^ ^'
I suppose its possible, and it may even be a non issue in the short-term, but it i would be pretty difficult to have a lasting lasting relationship with someone whos views clash with your own.
Kudos to anyone who can ^ ^ I wouldnt have the patience.

[Ma Cherie]

I have dated someone with a different religious belief, he was Muslim. Though not hard core or anything. It wasn't too difficult for us, we even engaged in discussions about religion. But they've never gotten to point where we would argue. I wouldn't force my beliefs on him and didn't force his on me.

I think it can work out for some couples, but not others, it also depends how strong they are in their beliefs. Like, I would never date anyone who was a fundamentalist. Because there would be all kinds of conflict.

[RavenRockstar]

I have dated someone with different religious beliefs, he was Muslim. Though not hard core or anything. It wasn't too difficult for us, we even engaged in discussions about religion. But they've never gotten to point where would argue. I wouldn't force my beliefs on him and didn't force his on me.
I think it can work out for some couples, but not others, it also depends how strong they are in their beliefs. Like, I would never date anyone who was a fundamentalist. Because there would be all kinds of conflict.
I guess it would be hard for me because thats just my personality ^^'
Love your icon btw :sorry:

[Ma Cherie]

I guess it would be hard for me because thats just my personality ^^'
Love your icon btw :sorry:


Different strokes for different folks I guess. :blush:

Thanks. :p

[Half-n-Half]

No views deserve protection. If his or her views are as important to her as yours to you, surely he or she will try to protect them, and that is when, ideally, the truth is meant to surface.

I'm a little perplexed by what you mean when you say, "No views deserve protection." Do you mean that no view-point should be shielded from criticism? I would have to agree, but not on your point that they will necessarily protect them. In order to protect you usually have to be attacked first. If the topic doesn't arise or just isn't that much of an issue, then no protection is needed. Even so, if it is brought up the two people can come to a mutual understanding and leave it at that, yes?

"You respect my beliefs and I respect your beliefs. Aren't we a sweet ******* couple?"
Rubbish. If you believe a certain belief or bunch of beliefs to be absolute shite, you will be effectively become a liar if you acquiescence to said rubbish being spouted and do nothing just smile and observe.

To lie, in my opinion, is to state something which is not true with the intent of deceiving someone, or knowingly stating something which is not true. I fail to see how I become a liar if someone is preaching their religion and I just smile and observe. Some people might see it as cowardice or lying down without a fight, but I'm OK with that. However, it's not lying as you put it. And I never said that I would date someone who constantly preached in my ear about their beliefs and tried to push it on me. All I am saying is that I think it is possible for two people who have different beliefs to be happy with each other.

In some peoples' lives this isn't a big issue, because they just couldn't give a damn about it, but surely, those people have no such problems, why? Because they don't give a damn. But if this issue is important to you, then obviously, you will be raping yourself trying not to offend someone with whom you disagree completely.

I would agree with this statement that people who take their atheism very seriously and feel a need to counter religious beliefs will have a hard time trying not to offend someone. But I think you are creating a black-and-white picture when you describe the importance of one's atheism. "If it's important to you, you will defend it at all costs. If it's not, well then you just don't give a damn about it." My atheism is important to me in the sense that it is a big part of my identity, but it is not so important to me that I feel obliged or even a desire to defend it if someone challenges me on it. If they just want to argue then I won't indulge them. However, if they want to come to a mutual understanding and are genuinely curious about my atheism then I will gladly have a discussion with them.

I am not censored, I don't bring up his religion...he doesn't bring up mine.

Sorry for the confusion, that was meant for Tsuyoiko.

[Goldiegirl]

Sorry for the confusion, that was meant for Tsuyoiko.

No problem!

Anyway, I don't know how you could get into a relationship if you are both such opposites in the first place? What's the attraction? If some person beliefs are so opposite of your own, why do you want to start a relationship? I am curious as to the "why" behind it all.....:?

[Derfel]

I'm a little perplexed by what you mean when you say, "No views deserve protection." Do you mean that no view-point should be shielded from criticism? I would have to agree, but not on your point that they will necessarily protect them. In order to protect you usually have to be attacked first. If the topic doesn't arise or just isn't that much of an issue, then no protection is needed. Even so, if it is brought up the two people can come to a mutual understanding and leave it at that, yes?

Yes, that is how I meant it. Now, my scenario involves two persons who find their views on the matter important and central to their life. If neither party brings the issue up or one does not fight back, nice, peace and tranquility, but that falls outside of my scenario.

To lie, in my opinion, is to state something which is not true with the intent of deceiving someone, or knowingly stating something which is not true. I fail to see how I become a liar if someone is preaching their religion and I just smile and observe. Some people might see it as cowardice or lying down without a fight, but I'm OK with that. However, it's not lying as you put it. And I never said that I would date someone who constantly preached in my ear about their beliefs and tried to push it on me. All I am saying is that I think it is possible for two people who have different beliefs to be happy with each other.

Creating the impression that you 'respect' (whatever respect means) someone's views and in your inmost mind dismissing the same as rubbish amounts to deceiving someone. Sometimes that is totally fine, but it becomes extremely frustrating with family members.

I would agree with this statement that people who take their atheism very seriously and feel a need to counter religious beliefs will have a hard time trying not to offend someone. But I think you are creating a black-and-white picture when you describe the importance of one's atheism. "If it's important to you, you will defend it at all costs. If it's not, well then you just don't give a damn about it." My atheism is important to me in the sense that it is a big part of my identity, but it is not so important to me that I feel obliged or even a desire to defend it if someone challenges me on it. If they just want to argue then I won't indulge them. However, if they want to come to a mutual understanding and are genuinely curious about my atheism then I will gladly have a discussion with them.

Surely "Will defend at all costs." ranks higher than "Will not defend at all costs." on the importance scale. It is indeed black and white, but I don't see that as a problem. We are not discussing atheistic conviction here, but whether one would voice one's views or not. I created two arbitrary categories for the purpose of demonstrating my point, that is their sole purpose and they superficial because said purpose requires no more. I am not saying your atheism is not important to you, however, for the purposes of my argument you fall into group b because I'm not going to create any more categories since the one at hand is merely a yes/no question.

[Cat Mother]

I'm Jewish (or as much Jewish as you can be in a small town in Japan), my husband is not. We've been together for almost 10 years. So it can be done.

[Emoni]

I don't think anyone is saying that it "CAN'T" be done.

It's more of a matter of "how" and "what has to be sacrificed/compromised on in order to do so."

[Tsuyoiko]

No problem!
Anyway, I don't know how you could get into a relationship if you are both such opposites in the first place? What's the attraction? If some person beliefs are so opposite of your own, why do you want to start a relationship? I am curious as to the "why" behind it all.....:?

Sexual attraction, similar interests, fear of being alone?

[Cat Mother]

I don't think anyone is saying that it "CAN'T" be done.
It's more of a matter of "how" and "what has to be sacrificed/compromised on in order to do so."

I understand that Emoni, but really, does one have to sacrifice anything? I just do my thing (when it comes to religion) and he does his and that's all. My husband's different religious views (or lack thereof) don't bother me, and vice versa. I learned enough of what he believes in, he learned some about my religion and actually, it's he who encourages me to follow the traditional ways and customs during holiday times.

But then again, religion has never been a top priority in my life (our lives).

So this is something that the OP really needs to think about. Especially if his GF happens to be into the proselytizing type of Christianity.

[Tsuyoiko]

I understand that Emoni, but really, does one have to sacrifice anything? ...
But then again, religion has never been a top priority in my life (our lives).


It keeps coming back to this point. It's not about what religion you are, but about how important religion is for you. If religion is important to you, then you would absolutely have to sacrifice something to be with someone of a different religion. The question then is whether you would be willing to make that sacrifice. Some people may be able to; I would not.