Education of Death

[lexico]

Are Japanese children allowed to see the body of the deceased enter the coffin, with the rest of the family, or are they kept out ? Is there a taboo prohibiting youngsters from attending a burial of a parent, a grandparent, or a sibling ? What views do Japanese mothers hold on this matter ?

[misa.j]

I don't believe there is a custom or tradition of excluding children from burial or wake in Japan. Then again, each family holds its own tradition, so I'm not sure. Some family might as well just keep small children home for the convenience.

My family invited as many relatives as possible including 3 year-old boy for the funerals, so they can have their last moment to say good-bye.

[kirei_na_me]

My husband sees nothing wrong with a child going to the funeral home or going to a funeral. It is I who will keep my children from going to see a dead body or going to a funeral. I think young children don't understand what's going on, and there's no real need to scare them by exposing them to it.

A friend of ours told my middle son(age 5) he was going to the funeral home to somebody's visitation, my son asked him what was a funeral home, he told him where they keep dead people, and my son hasn't forgotten it. He was scared to go to bed one night because the night before, he dreamt that I was dead, and in the funeral home.

I think it's just like where babies come from. You've got to keep it age appropriate. It depends on the child as well, I guess. I want them to be able to understand about death before they see it first-hand(if at all possible). I'm almost 29 years old and I still have problems with it and don't fully understand it. I will not look at a dead person lying in a casket, and don't believe I ever will. That's not the last picture I want to have in my mind...

[lexico]

Thanks for sharing your ideas, Misa, Kireiname.
My father-in-law passed away recently, and as custom dictates, there was a three day & night vigil for him. Most of his grown grandchildren attended every step of the funeral rite which included greeting and feeding his guests for the three-day period, the catholic mass, the clothing and laying into the coffin, and the following burial.

But his grandchildren between age 14 and 7 were spared of the filial duties which I thought was unusual. What I can't figure out is whether the mothers were being overly protective, or whether the children found some other activities more interesting. I ended up having a huge argument about cheating the kids out of their chance to learn something about death in general as well as to say good bye to their maternal grand father.

I somehow see culture decaying with the soft approach favored by the new-age mothers (my wife and sister-in-law) so I asked the question to see if Japan could give me some insight. I appreciate the learning I'm getting from you. Thanks.

[Kinsao]

I think age-appropriate is a good idea, but there is no need to keep children 'away' from things related to death. I can't remember when learning about what is death and that kind of thing... although I remember that family friends and relatives died when I was around 3 years old and I was told what is going on...

I did not see a dead body until the age of 10, when my grandmother died and I went to see her body in the coffin. I thought it was not upsetting or scary - really, it was just like seeing a model of my grandmother. It did not seem like 'her' at all. It did not disturb me and I was pleased to have done that final thing (even though it did not feel to me at all like 'saying goodbye'). However, if I have been with someone when they have died, I feel no need to go to see them in their coffin also.

However, when I was very young (under the age of about 6), my parents did not take me to funerals because they thought that the sight of a young child at the funeral might upset some very sensitive people. So there is an issue of considering other people's feelings, too, when bringing child near to 'death'.