Marriage, love, babys, traditions...long thread!

[Tokis-Phoenix]

I have a couple of questions in general about marriage in Japan in comparison to over here in England over time...

One thing I have noticed recently about marriage in Japan is that marriages are getting more and more untraditional i.e. a lot of young couples are getting married western style, wearing western style suits and dresses, getting married in churches and having big western style wedding cakes and honey moons.
From what I gather, throughout most of japans history, marriage was not often a question of love between the couple, but of status, climbing up the social ladder, appearances and money. It was just good luck if the couple happened to fall in love with each other.
I can't say it hasn't been that different throughout England’s history over time, although love appears to have been a bigger part in marriage throughout our history for a longer period than japans, but its also had other parts, mostly down to life security in some respects.

If you go back to our early Anglo Saxon times when Christianity was just beginning to take a hold, marriage for Christians was all about politics while marriage for pagans was all about the well fare of the clan- the two are strongly linked but have there differences.
When Christianity started to take a hold in England there were many concerns about the new laws of marriage.
Traditionally if wife’s husband died in battle or disease or through other means, the husbands brother would marry his brothers widow- if the departed husband didn't have a brother it would be another close male relative or the clan leader. This didn't mean they had sex within the family or the clan leader had 2 wives he could get off with, but simply the widow and new husband would have all the other benefits of marriage, because a widowed woman on her own was pretty doomed if her husband died and her children were too young to work or take on the role of supporting the family back then.
The new husband would simply financially support the widow and make sure she got by ok until she had a male son old enough to take on his fathers role (this would usually happen when her son was 12yrs old)- this was good for both the clan, because they didn't lose a woman who could still raise children in the clan who might become warriors or other respected clan members, and vice versa for the woman involved so she could still eat and live and raise her children. Anglo Saxon woman and woman living before Anglo Saxon times had much power in society back then but it was still vital to have a husband whether love was involved or not- either way though a woman could inherit belongings or land just as much as a man could and have the same rights over divorce- back then you could even divorce your husband for having terrible bad breath!
When Christianity arrived many of the marriage lore’s were changed, for the woman involved these changes were mainly for the worse. For example if a woman cheated on her husband he could punish/beat her to what he felt was necessary and even divorce her, but if a husband cheated on his wife, beat her, or failed to raise an income necessary for the survival of the family, the woman could do nothing. If the wife’s husband died she was not allowed to re-marry for at least 5-10yrs, with permission of the church of course. If a woman failed to give birth to a child in the first couple of years of their marriage then her husband could divorce her.
On the bright side though, woman could turn down men who wanted to marry her chosen by her family, and if a woman killed her baby or the baby died while in her care the punishments were quite lenient- but that was about it.
Although the early Christians were not to marry for wealth, marrying into Christian families had many benefits if you were wealthy and/or had some influence over politics.
If you fast-forward some hundreds of years, marriage is yet again all about appearance and money. If you were wealthy you were expected to marry someone of equal wealth or even more wealthy, or marry into a family of much influence or status. If you were poor though this wasn't so important, but if a wealthy man/woman married a commoner or peasant they were out cast from their family and stripped of any titles they held and had no further contact with relatives.
But marriage for love is becoming more important, especially for people who didn’t have much to gain or lose in terms of wealth or status by marrying. Divorce though is becoming even more frowned upon, women have fewer and fewer rights over their lives, marriages, children, wealth or inheritance. For the wealthy woman out there, they could still practise much influence over their husbands and households but their marriages were more about the benefit of the 2 families involved rather than for the couple, even less so for the woman involved.
If a woman’s husband died she was expected to grieve and honour his memory by not re-marrying and to take on a subdued role in society like a nun or to live in some other way in solitude- as far as getting by in life was concerned, any children she had who were old enough were expected to support her as she could not work a proper job or inherit money/land, if she had no money then the only other really practical step in life was to become a nun.
If you fast-forward some more hundreds of years, past the woman’s rights revolutions, things are becoming more even in society. There are no longer arranged marriages, both members of the couple have more freedom in choosing a partner and in doing so, having girlfriends/boyfriends- there is equal inheritance rights although boys/men are still favoured over girls/woman in getting the large part of the inheritance. In the 1950’s though getting divorced or marrying a person of another race is still frowned upon, people are still expected to be very religious and attend church regularly. The best things a woman can expect to do in life are still have lots of babies, particularly sons, marry into another wealthy family, be a good house wife and keep up a the appearance of being happily married even if she doesn’t feel so.
This is more about expectations and appearances but of course things have been evening out a lot more over the last 5 or so decades.

Now to Japan- I have some questions about their society in general when it comes to marriage, love, traditions, parents, offspring and money;

a. In general, what do the older generation of Japanese people or parents whose children have grown up and are getting married, think about western style weddings? Are they something that are frowned upon because they are not traditional and are another societies traditions/culture, or are they something that is positively embraced in one way or another?
b. Is status/appearances still a major part of Japanese marriage even in families who do not have a great income or have any special status i.e. is it reasonably ok if your daughter, who is wealthy and accomplished because of your family to marry a guy who’s family has nothing special to offer in terms of wealth or accomplishments, but they love each other dearly? If your daughter wants to marry a guy who comes from a desirable family, does it matter how he came by his wealth i.e. inherited, hard earned by rising up the social ladder through work- or doesn’t it really matter as long as he has money and a title?

c. What do Japanese people think about Japanese women/men marrying westerners/gaijin? Is it more acceptable to marry a person of a particular culture, like an English/American person, than say, an African or Muslim?
d. How much is religion a part of marriage in Japan? Does it matter whether you are a follower of Buddhism or Christianity or another religion?
e. Is marriage and having babies still seen as one of the best things a girl can still attain to in general? Is adoption frowned upon, or is it as long as the couple have a baby every thing is ok? If a couple cannot have a baby, perhaps because one of the couple is infertile, is the “blame” directed towards anyone in particular?
f. If a woman’s husband dies is she expected to re-marry at some point or honour her husbands memory by not having another relationship? I know divorce is probably frowned upon in Japan, but what about getting divorced and re-marrying, is it easier for men rather than women?
g. What happens, if say your son has sex with another girl and she gets pregnant, and she wants to keep the baby, is the son expected to marry the girl he got pregnant? What about abortion in Japan?


I apologise for the long thread, but I am quite interested in this subject and would like to know other peoples views/opinions and feelings in general on this topic