A normal relationship between a German girl and a Japanese guy?

[Kiriana]

I知 living in Germany and I知 studying the Japanese language.
At my university I met a Japanese guy. First we only learned together.
He learned German and of course I learned Japanese.
After a year we felt in love. Now we are living together.

And here is my question. I made some strange experience with him and I want to know if someone made similar experience like me.

First he was very kind. But after a couple weeks he started to scold me. Everything I made was wrong. Then he started to change me. My clothes, my way of eating, my way of speaking, my way of living. It痴 no problem form him when he makes a mistake, but when I知 making a mistake it is always a big problem irrespective how big my mistake was. He always expects from me, that I致e to say I知 sorry. Sometimes I think he痴 not giving a damn about what I知 thinking. I wonder if such behaviour is normal for Japanese man.
Of course most of the time I知 happy that he is my boyfriend and I really really love him. But these strange behaviours are getting on my nerves. Perhaps he is a kind of strange, but perhaps it痴 normal for Japanese guys to act like that. I don稚 know how a normal relationship in Japan is.
Please, please someone answer my question or explain to me how relationships in Japan going on.
I知 sorry for my horrible English ,and hope you could understand everything.

[Lady Blue]

Not that I could be very helpful, but I think it doesn't have a big relation with nationality and culture. I Think there are man that are just like that, first when they're trying to get you, they're adorable, but once they have you for granted they change. Many women don't pay much attention to this justifyiing it, saying that their man loves them and that they act like that because they love them, but that is not true. It's part of the jealousy thing and the fear of being abandoned, so be careful. I could be just a stage, but if this continues for too long and gets even worst, the relationship won't worth the pain.

By the way... isn't he called Yamazaki Kei??
Just a question...

[kirei_na_me]

I know about this all too well.

Before my husband and I got married, he was a wooing expert. He knew just the right things to say and he knew just the right things to do. He charmed me by taking me out to the fanciest restaurants, he bought me very expensive gifts, he took me on romantic getaways, he wanted to have sex nonstop, he would cook and clean sometimes, he always seemed so eager to please. He appeared to be a perfect catch for any woman. I had so many people tell me "he'll treat you like a queen".

Wrong.

Not even two years into our marriage, it began. He started taking everything so incredibly seriously. He became incapable of cracking a smile. He stopped talking, he stopped wanting to have sex on a regular basis, he stopped cooking, he stopped cleaning, he started getting uncontrollably angry, he stopped everything he had done before. It all came to a screeching halt.

Here it is, eight years later, and it's worse than it was, but I think I've reached a plateau. I'm definintely NOT happy with that, though. I'm very unhappy, in fact. He knew how to put on a damn good act in order to hook me, but once he got me, he let his true self be known.

Is it Japanese? I don't know. The men I have known in my life are not quite like him. Not nearly as severe.

Bottom line: If he tells you what to wear, what to eat, how to live, etc., he's not worth keeping. It sounds like he just wants to control you. That's not real love. You need someone who will ultimately end up accepting you for who YOU are, not who THEY want you to be.

Be yourself. If that's not good enough for him, find someone else.

[Mars Man]

I have come across this situation a number of times through 'Help-line' shorts (kind of like Ann Landers Q & A thing--but answered by lawers, movie directors, psychiatrist and so on) and I've seen it a couple of times on TV--the same type of 'this-is-what-happened-what-can-I-do?' or '-what-do-you-think-of-it?' type corners on a kind of news/entertainment show.

I'm sure, although, that it can happen anywhere in the world, by both men and women--though perhaps more common by men?

As Kirei_na_me has pointed out, if it's like this now, then it's not really gonna get any better. I would suggest, that you do some introspection, weigh the emotions of 'eros' and 'agape' (both are elements of 'love') against what you feel you want in your future, in your life, and take the appropriate action.

Remember, the coctail emotional build-up of the 'eros' portion, is not going to last towards a single target for any thing more than 3~4 years at the most; afterwhich it is familiarity that holds the partners together. After the thrill is gone, and you are in mid-stream in your life, is that what you are willing to be living with and in? Please do think about it seriously. Then make a choice and stick with it, never looking back.

This is my opinion, it could be erroneous in some degree, but it has study, two marriages, and 49 years of experience backing it up. Please think carefully.

[Kiriana]

It痴 good for me to read that a few people have the same problems like me. Especially form people who are older than me. I知 very young and I致e to learn a lot. I thought, perhaps that this behavior is typically for Japanese man because I never had such experience with German man (that痴 why I知 wrote it here). Of course there were other problems.
But do you think that relationships everywhere in the world are similar? I don稚 think so. I some countries women are not worth a straw.
Of course in Germany it is not like that.
Anyway...thank you for your answers. You gave me useful advice.
Perhaps, if there is anyone out there who have a relationship with a Japanese man too. Please write what you are thinking too.

Originally Posted by kirei_na_me

I'm definintely NOT happy with that, though. I'm very unhappy, in fact.

Are you still in love with your husband? If not, why didnｴt you get divorce?
Do you have children? I hope that my questions are not too personal.

[Ewok85]

Just remember one thing though, theres no such thing as a "normal" relationship, its always different and special in their own ways.

[kirei_na_me]

Originally Posted by Kiriana

Are you still in love with your husband? If not, why didnｴt you get divorce?
Do you have children? I hope that my questions are not too personal.

Divorce is not a distant thought as it once was.

Yes, I have children. I have three boys, and hope the women they marry(if they marry) will not have reason to be saying the same thing about them.

Oh, and my husband is Japanese, by the way.

[pipokun]

Just dump him. But before doing it, just tell him what you really feel.
And which language do you usually use, German or Japanese? I imagine his German skill is getting better than your Japanese.

Then he started to change me. My clothes, my way of eating, my way of speaking, my way of living.

Sounds quite abnormal.

[epigene]

Originally Posted by pipokun

Just dump him. But before doing it, just tell him what you really feel.
And which language do you usually use, German or Japanese? I imagine his German skill is getting better than your Japanese.
Sounds quite abnormal.

I agree with pipokun that you should dump him.

My husband and I are Japanese married to each other for 25 years, but I haven't had such problems. He certainly does comment on my tastes in clothing, etc., but never forced me to do anything.

[nurizeko]

I've had some crazy fights with my girlfriend, ive been kicked out 4 times within the space of 2 months, but never got so bad we tell each other what to think and what to wear, what to eat.
If its getting that bad leave him.

Edit: my girlfriend is japanese by the way.

[Kyoko_desu]

Then he started to change me. My clothes, my way of eating, my way of speaking, my way of living.

My ex was kind of "possessive" and sometimes tried to control me and because of that we broke up.
Back then I was thinking it was his age, because he was alot older than me...like..more than 10 years,
but now I don't know if it really was so, maybe it was his character...

He charmed me by taking me out to the fanciest restaurants, he bought me very expensive gifts,
he took me on romantic getaways, he wanted to have sex nonstop,
he would cook and clean sometimes, he always seemed so eager to please.
He appeared to be a perfect catch for any woman.
I had so many people tell me "he'll treat you like a queen".
Wrong. he stopped everything he had done before.

This just reminds me of a Japanese phrase "tsutta sakakanani esa ha iranai." 「釣った魚に餌はいらない。」
It literally means "There's no need of feeding a fish you have already caught."
It seems to me that kirei_na_me's husband is a typical case of this.
Since I'm not married, I have no idea if it's only him or Japanese guys, or any guy in the world.
What I have read in this thread has kinda discouraged me from getting married...

[Kiriana]

Originally Posted by pipokun

And which language do you usually use, German or Japanese? I imagine his German skill is getting better than your Japanese.

Iｴm shocked. Thatｴs exactly how it is going on. We are always speaking German.
Of course his German is getting better and better. But my Japanese is stil bad. Iｴm only learning Japanese at my Unisiversity.
Thank you very much to everyone. Your advice are really helpful. Perhaps it will take some time to get it, but Iｴll dump him. Know I see thatｴs not a normal acting of a Japanese guy. But thereｴs a good thing at least. I found this forum and I think I can learn here a lot about Japan and Japanese pepole. Furthermore I can talk to "gaijin" who are living in Japan.

[pipokun]

Your personality may not be changed before/after you speak different languages better, but the way you show your personality would be changed, or at least others may think you become a different person.

Anyways keep posting.

[Lady Blue]

Not abnormal for me. In my country at least, it's one of the most common things man want to control. As soon as they get a girlfriend they start sounding like their parents: Are you wearing that?? Go back in and change!!" And they seem quite angry bout it. It makes me laugh everytime I hear a girl say: "Awww.. I love it! But I can't wear it cos my bf won't let me" Well... I think, That's exactly what you were wearing when he fell for you.. Thank God I don't have that problem.

[nurizeko]

Also if your going to split with him he may start beggingh and pleading for you to stay, so no matter what he does or say, make yourself UTTERLY AND ENTIRELY sure beyond any shadow of a doubt that he is serious and will change, otherwise this break-up make-up cycle could go on forever.

[dreamer]

I think you asked yourself the wrong questions...
What you should woner is wether he likes you for who you are or if it could have been any girl as long as he can change her to suit his tastes.
By the way you've described him, he sounds selfish and in a couple, it often leads to disasters.
If you want to stay with him, try to speak about it with him, don't hold back or sooner or later, everything's gonna explode.
Now it depends how he tells you your mistakes, maybe are you too sensitive?
Anyway, most of the time it's like this, guys do their best to seduce a girl and once they're "tied", their behaviour changes.
Sometimes, it just takes time before you find the right person. As long as you have hope it should be alright.
Just remember to stay yourself and don't let anyone change you.