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Featured Help! Could you help me correct this paragraph I wrote?

Discussion in 'Learning Japanese' started by robeni, Oct 12, 2017.

  1. robeni

    robeni 後輩

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    じつわ、私はすべての音楽ジャンルがすきだ。へんなジャンルもよく聞きます。たとえばオペラとヘビーメタルとナイトコアをしります。分かった、ナイトコアはさいてい音楽、たぶん世界でさいあくかな。それはちょうど楽しみのためですから。しかし、オペラはふるい音楽、私の父はオペラにみせた。いつか私と父はイタリアにいきたいと思います。その時いいドレスを着たいです。オペラはすばらしいイベントです。ルチアーノ・パヴァロッティは好きなかしゅでもかれは死にました。さねんですねかれのこえはすばらしかったです。
    アンドレア・ボチェッリまだいきているから、いつか彼のコンサートに行きたい。
    今、私の好きなバンドはゴリラズので、この金曜日に聞いてみます。このコンサートに行ったことがありません。ひとりで行くので少しきんちょうしています。でも、ゴリラズのあたらしい歌を聞きたいです。

    (I didn't write much kanji because I need to read this out loud. I apologize if that makes it hard to read.)
     
  2. robeni

    robeni 後輩

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  3. OoTmaster

    OoTmaster 先輩

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    I would suggest not doing that. The Japanese native speakers are likely all sleeping at the moment. It's best to stay patient and wait until the next day or until at least after 9 pm est. Japan is 13 hours ahead of EST so currently it's 4:49 am in Japan. Once they're awake the native speakers here are very helpful and polite.
     
  4. robeni

    robeni 後輩

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    Oooh~ okay! I did not know. I thought maybe someone who is learning and is advanced could help. But thank you for letting me know.
     
  5. Toritoribe

    Toritoribe 禁漁期
    Staff Member Moderator

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    There is a typo.

    しります works as the future tense.

    Do not use sentence final particles. It's incredibly hard to use them correctly even for fluent learners, and incorrect use of them sound rather unnatural.

    ちょうど is not appropriate as the translation of "just" there.

    みせた doesn't make sense since it means "my father fascinates Opera."

    思います works as the future tense.

    There is a typo in さねん.
    Again, do not use sentence final particles.
    A period should be put after the first sentence.

    の is the pronoun in ゴリラズの, thus, it means "Gorillaz's one(s)/song(s)". "My favorite band is Gorillaz's song(s)" doesn't make sense, right?
    聞いてみます shows that you haven't heard their song yet.

    この doesn't mean "their song(s)" there.
     
  6. robeni

    robeni 後輩

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    Thank you very much for your corrections. I am actually going to read this out loud in class and now I don't have to embarrass myself as much. Thank you for your help.
     
  7. Toritoribe

    Toritoribe 禁漁期
    Staff Member Moderator

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    Does that mean you are not going to correct those mistakes? Typos I pointed out are not just わ vs. は of the same pronunciation. みせた or さねん don't make sense at all, for instance. I would be embarrassed if I were you. You should revise it.
     
  8. robeni

    robeni 後輩

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    I did correct it! and my sensei looked over it. so it's no problem. The class is not so strict. everyone is just learning still. I'm in Japanese 4 now, it's intermediate but not so strict. As others presented they got corrected during class. Plus it's being read out loud..so sensei wasn't gonna check my spelling anyway.
     
  9. OoTmaster

    OoTmaster 先輩

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    Might be a good idea to post your corrections here anyway. Unless your sensei is a native speaker then an explanation from Toritoribe is likely going to be more helpful in identifying if your corrections are right or he might be able to provide a better explanation if you don't understand why something is the way it is in Japanese.
     
  10. Toritoribe

    Toritoribe 禁漁期
    Staff Member Moderator

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    It's not the problem of "spelling" in the first place. If your teacher didn't correct みせた or さねん for instance, I would never consider it's "intermediate".
     
  11. Mike Cash

    Mike Cash 骨も命も皆此の土地に埋めよう

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    If it isn't too much trouble, could you post the corrected version that your teacher signed off on?

    Does that mean your fourth year or your fourth semester or just what exactly? High school? University?
     
  12. nice gaijin

    nice gaijin Resident Realist
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    It wasn't mentioned above but you also switch politeness levels several times. Pick one and stick with it, whether you're writing or speaking.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  13. OoTmaster

    OoTmaster 先輩

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    Isn't と used in this manner only for exhaustive lists? Wouldn't it be an incorrect statement for someone to say they like all genres and then only three in an exhaustive list? Am I missing something here or should they replace と with や?
     

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