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Featured Help! Please help to proofread my translation

Discussion in 'Learning Japanese' started by L.C.Voon, Dec 8, 2017 at 01:33.

  1. L.C.Voon

    L.C.Voon Registered

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    Hi everyone,

    I need to do a presentation for my Japanese language class. I plan to do a brief introducing of a anime called--Koe no Katachi (The Shape of Voice). Please do help me to proofread my translation. If you are not able to help with the whole text, please do at least help to correct a few lines, your help will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

    Sorry, I think I made lots of mistakes there, grammar is never my strong suit.
    PS: I am not a natives English, so I might have grammatical errors on my English too, please bear with it.



    Do you know the movie Your Name?

    映画『君の名は』知っているか?
    But today I will talk about Koe no Katachi movie. Both air was around the same time. Both are amazing romance show.

    但し今日は映画『聲の形』話します。両方は同じ期間映画館上映しました。両方はす素晴らしいロマンス物語でいます。


    Have you ever done something bad?

    悪いな事しでいましたか?

    The protagonist—Ishida Shouya is such a person.

    主人公石田将也はそのような人でいます。

    When Nishimiya Souko has transfer to his elementary school, Shouya has done something very wrong.

    西宮硝子は主人公の小学校に転校する時、将也非常な悪い事がやってしまった。

    He bullies the transfer student, and as a ringleader.

    将也は移動学生苛めでらる、首謀者として。

    Why?

    何故?

    Just because Souko is deaf.

    ただ硝子は先天性の聴覚障害を持つ少女。



    Unable to bear the situation, Souko transfers out.

    耐えることなかったで、硝子転校しました。

    What goes around, comes around.

    因果応報。

    Shouya become the new target of the bullies.

    将也は苛めっ子の新しいターゲットになる。

    Has something goes wrong?

    何が間違っていた?

    Nobody knows.

    誰も知らない。

    But one thing can be sure is, ‘something’ is not getting through.

    然し一つの事は明らかです、「何か」繋がっていません。

    Eventually, Shouya become isolated from other, closing himself from other.

    最終的に、将也は他から隔離されるようになり、他からの彼自身を閉める。

    End of communication.

    通信は終わり。


    Until the two meets again, as high school students.

    高校生になってから、二人が再会います。

    The encounter of the bully and the victim.

    加害者と被害者の出会い。

    To confront the past, to start anew, to have the courage to life.

    過去に直面する、あらためて始まるために、生きるの勇気を持つで。

    These are the meaning of their encounter.

    これらは彼らの出会いの意味です。


    What is the shape of the sound?

    聲の形はなんですか?

    Is that a way to connect people?

    人をつなぐ方法でありますか?

    What does this mean?

    何の意味ですか?

    I don’t know.

    わかりません。

    Maybe, the most important thing is ‘heart’.

    たぶん、最も重要なのわ「心」です。
     
  2. Toritoribe

    Toritoribe 禁漁期
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    You missed a particle after 映画『君の名は』.
    知っているか is not the polite form.

    You need to put a particle corresponding to "about" after 『聲の形』.
    どちらも is more appropriate for the translation of 両方.
    期間 is more likely for the time length. 時期 is more appropriate here.
    上映する is transitive, thus, 上映しました means you screened the movie.
    There is a typo in す素晴らしい.
    でいます can't be there since 映画 is inanimate.

    悪い is not a na-adjective.
    しでいました is ungrammatical. This conjugation form doesn't exist. In the first place, you need to use another expression to express "experience".

    You seem to misunderstand that でいます is the copula "to be".

    The romaji for 硝子 is wrong.
    The tense is wrong in 転校する時.
    You missed a particle after 将也.
    The particle after 悪い事 is wrong. が shows that 悪い事 is the subject of やってしまった.
    やってしまった is not the polite form.

    The translation of "transfer student" is wrong. See what word you yourself used for "transfer" in the receding sentence.
    苛めでらる is ungrammatical. This conjugation form doesn't exist.

    You missed "because".

    耐えることなかった can't mean "unable to bear".
    You missed a particle after 硝子.

    You'd better to unify the level of politeness.

    You missed a particle after 「何か」.
    The translation of "to get through" is wrong.

    The translation of "isolated" is wrong.
    の is not needed after 他から.
    閉める is barely understandable, but 閉ざす is more appropriate. You need to use the polite form also here.

    通信 is not appropriate here.

    再会います is ungrammatical.

    直面する is not appropriate here
    始まる is intransitive.
    生きるの勇気 and 持つで are both ungrammatical.

    でありますか is understandable, but ですか is more common.

    何の意味ですか? is wrong as the translation of the sentence.

    There is a typo in the topic particle.
     
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  3. L.C.Voon

    L.C.Voon Registered

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    Thank you so much for the reply!
    Sorry, it took me a long time to revise, here is my revision (I also revised the English text as well), please do correct me if I made another mistakes. Thank you.

    Do you know the movie Your Name?
    映画『君の名は』は知っていますか?


    But today I will talk about Koe no Katachi movie. Both air was around the same time. Both are amazing romance show.
    但し今日は映画『聲の形』が話します。どちらも同じ時期映画館上映する。どちらも素晴らしいロマンス物語であります。


    Have you ever done something bad?
    悪い事をしましたか?


    The protagonist—Ishida Shouya was such a person.
    主人公石田将也はそのような人でした。


    When Nishimiya Shouko has transferred to his elementary school, Shouya has done something very wrong.
    西宮硝子は主人公の小学校に転校しました時、将也は非常な悪い事をしてしまいました。


    He bullies the transfer student, and as a ringleader.
    将也は転校学苛められた、首謀者として。


    Just because Shouko is deaf.
    理由ただ硝子は先天性の聴覚障害を持つ少女。


    Unable to bear the situation, Shouko transferred out.
    事情が堪らなかったで、硝子は転校しました。


    Shouya became the new target of the bullies.
    将也は苛めっ子の新しいターゲットになりました。

    Did something goes wrong?
    何が間違いましたか?

    Nobody knew.
    誰も知りませんでした。


    But one thing can be sure is, ‘something’ is not getting through.
    然し一つの事は明らかです、「何か」が届きません。


    Eventually, Shouya become isolated from other, closing himself from other.
    最終的に、将也は他から孤立されるようになり、他から彼自身を閉ざす。


    End of communication.
    疎通は終わり。


    Until the two meets again, as high school students.
    高校生になってから、二人が再会します。


    To confront the past, to start anew, to have the courage to life.
    過去に立ち向かって、出直させて、生きる勇気は持って。


    What is the shape of the sound?
    聲の形はなんですか?


    What does this mean?
    これは何の意味ですか?


    Maybe, the most important thing is ‘heart’.
    たぶん、最も重要なのは「心」です。
     
  4. Toritoribe

    Toritoribe 禁漁期
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    は is not wrong, but it can be interpreted as the contrastive marker since the title of the movie is a new information which not mentioned previously. を is the best choice.

    が is the subject marker, thus, 『聲の形』が means "Koe no Katachi movie will talk".
    You seem to misunderstand my reply. Again, 上映する is transitive, thus, the past form of it 上映しました means you screened the movie as a movie theater owner or movie distribution company. You need to use another conjugation form of 上映する.
    であります is not wrong, but です is far more common.

    Again, you need to use another expression to express "experience". しましたか just means "Did you do?", not "Have you ever done?".

    The tense is correct, but しました時 is almost never used since it sounds ultra polite. した時 is correct.
    I forgot to point out this, but は can't be used in the subordinate clause, i.e., 西宮硝子は is wrong. By the way, have you learned the expression ~てくる?
    非常な悪い事 is not grammatically wrong, but the adverbial from 非常に or adverb とても is more common and natural in Japanese.

    転校学 is still wrong.
    苛められた is past passive, thus, it means "Masaya was bullied".

    理由ただ is ungrammatical. Check again about the translation of "because".

    事情が is not needed. 事情 is not appropriate as the translation of "situation" there, and furthermore the particle が is wrong.
    堪らなかったで is ungrammatical.

    何が間違いましたか? means "What did mistake?" since 何 means "what", not "something", and が indicates the subject.

    If you want to use the past form, you need to use the verb わかる instead of 知る.

    To clarify, what do you want to say by "to get through" in the first place?

    The passive form 孤立される doesn't make sense there.
    I already pointed out that "You need to use the polite form also here." This is for 閉ざす.

    Just 疎通 is not appropriate, either.

    が is not wrong, but は is the best since 二人 is an already-known information.

    Why do you use the passive form 出直させて and change the particle after 勇気 from を to は?
    You used the infinite form "to confront" in order to express "The encounter of the bully and the victim to confront~" and/or "These are the meaning of their encounter to confront~", right? Then you need to use an expression to show the function of the infinite form since the -te form can't express the cause/reason here.

    これは何の意味ですか? is more likely an expression to ask the definition of something. 意味する/意味している is more appropriate.


    Judging from your translations so far, you don't seem to understand the very basic important grammar such like the function of particles or verb conjugations correctly yet.
     
  5. Mike Cash

    Mike Cash 骨も命も皆此の土地に埋めよう

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    Why mention the movie "Your Name" at the beginning if you're not going to talk about it at all? It is confusing and adds nothing to the content of your presentation.
     
  6. L.C.Voon

    L.C.Voon Registered

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    Yes, the more I study, the more confuse I become. Again, thank you for taking your time to correct my work, and this is my revised version.


    Do you know the movie Your Name?
    映画『君の名は』を知っていますか?


    Sorry, I don't really get this part, but I try to switch around with the structure, hoping that it will convey what I want properly.

    But today I will talk about Koe no Katachi movie. Both was aired around the same time. Both are amazing romance show.
    但し今日は映画『聲の形』を話します。どちらも映画館が同じ時期上映しました。どちらも素晴らしいロマンス物語です。


    Have you ever done something bad?
    悪い事をしたことがありますか?


    No, I still haven't learn about expression ~てくる.

    When Nishimiya Shouko has transferred to his elementary school, Shouya has done something very wrong.
    西宮硝子が主人公の小学校に転校した時、将也は非常に悪い事をしてしまいました。


    He bullies the transfer student, and as a ringleader.
    将也は転校生を苛めました、首謀者として。


    Just because Shouko is deaf.
    ただ硝子は先天性の聴覚障害を持つ少女だから。


    Unable to bore the situation, Shouko transferred out.
    堪り兼ねませんでした、硝子は転校しました。


    Did something goes wrong?
    何か間違いましたか?


    Nobody knew.
    誰もわかりませんでした。


    Something like to properly communicate and convey their feelings and thoughts.


    Eventually, Shouya become isolated from other, closed himself from other.
    最終的に、将也は他から孤立になりました、他から彼自身を閉ざしました。


    End of connection.
    連結は終わり。


    Until the two meets again, as high school students.
    高校生になってから、二人は再会します。


    I don't really get this part too...

    To confront the past, to start anew, to have the courage to life.
    過去に立ち向かいます、出直します、生きる勇気を持ちます。


    What does this mean?
    これは何の意味する?


    Originally, it was plan to make comparison between those two, but it end up too long. Now it serve more like a hook to grab the attention of the audience since more people know about that movie.
     
  7. Mike Cash

    Mike Cash 骨も命も皆此の土地に埋めよう

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    Do you like naked women?

    Me too, but today I am going to talk about how to change the oil in your car.
     
  8. Toritoribe

    Toritoribe 禁漁期
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    Yes, that's correct. You can also use 『君の名は』という映画を知っていますか?

    を can't mean "about" there, either. I believe decent dictionaries the translation of it.
    映画館が上映しました means more likely a specific movie theater screened the movie.
    物語 is redundant. It's OK just ロマンス.

    That's correct. Although you said you haven't learned ~てくる yet, 転校してきた時 is the best.

    ただ at the top of the sentence is interpreted as "but/however" especially in that sentence because of は.
    ただ硝子 is barely acceptable, but ~という理由だけで is the best choice for "just because".

    "The -masu stem of verbs + かねる" means "can't do", and "the -masu stem of verbs + かねない" is "to be quite capable of doing". You seem to confuse these expressions. 耐える in your initial translation is a good choice for "to bear". The problem is you didn't use the potential form of it.

    Have you learned the explanatory の/ん? This might bu advanced to you, but the most appropriate expression would be 何かが間違っていたんでしょうか.

    Then, 届く is correct, but the past form should be used since it's a past event.
    I would say しかし「何か」が届かなかったことだけは確かです。

    孤立になる sounds odd. You used 孤立 only as a noun, but it's also the stem of a -suru verb.
    他 is acceptable, but I would use 周り for "other".

    連結 doesn't make much sense there even as "connection".

    I was talking about the -te form at the end of the line, not in the middle of it. The ones in the middle of it is for to connect clauses, not for to express the cause/reason.
    You might think that you can translate your original English since it seems relatively easy, but actually, you need to interpret for what reason the infinite form is used, and choose the appropriate Japanese expression for that (~ために is the one in this case).

    何の意味する doesn't make much sense. 何を意味していますか is the correct one.


    You seem to be going to make a Japanese passage beyond your knowledge/ability.
     

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